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Top ten country kiss-off songs for Valentine's Day

Top ten country kiss-off songs for Valentine's Day
Photo by Nikki Miller-Rose

Country music has given us some of the sappiest most godawful finest, most touching love songs of the last several decades, but when it comes to break-up songs, that's where the genre truly earns its keep on the charts. We picked the most vengeful, the most spiteful, the most downright angry country kiss-off songs in honor of Valentine's Day, because if you're feelin' awful single today, we don't want you gettin' all down about it. GET PISSED! With or without the aid of whiskey.


10. Roy Clark, "Thank God and Greyhound" (1970)

A "gotcha" song if there ever was one. Stay tuned until the tempo change so you can go, "Ahhhhhhawwwwww yeah! Gotcha!" Notable lyric: Thank God and Greyhound you're gone, that load on my mind got lighter when you got on. That shiny old bus is a beautiful sight, with the black smoke a-rolling up around the taillight. It may sound kinda cruel but I've been silent too long, thank God and Greyhound you're gone.


9. David Allan Coe, "Cumstains on the Pillow" (1978)

In his 1978 ode to vulgarity, Nothing Sacred, Coe makes Linda Lovelace gag among other unmentionable things. Depending upon your mode of familiarity with Shel Silverstein (children's book author/illustrator, vs. dirty dirty dude), it may or may not surprise you that it was he who encouraged Coe to record the album, which also features the tunes "Pussy Whipped Again," "Fuck Aneta Briant" (sic) and "Master Bation Blues." Nothing Sacred was released by mail-order only, initially advertised on the back pages of Easyriders magazine. Notable lyric: When she took my Cadillac, that didn't bother me a bit. When she took that blue tick hound, she shouldn't ever done that shit. Never thought I'd see the day her love would be as dead as the cumstains on the pillow, where she once laid her head.


8. Charlie Daniels Band, "Drinkin' My Baby Goodbye" (1986)

Greyhound makes an appearance yet again, and booze helps see her off. Notable lyric: Every time I try to sit down and talk to her it always ends up in a fuss. I tried to reason with her right up to the time she got on that Greyhound bus. It would be better if I could forget her 'cause she sure forgot about me. And if takes all night I'm gonna' do it right, I'm gonna' sit here till I can't see.


7. Travis Tritt, "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares" (1991)

I remember hearing when I was a kid that Tritt had to stop performing this song live because he'd get pelted onstage with Washingtons. Notable lyric: Call someone who'll listen, or might give a damn. Maybe one of your sordid affairs. But don't you come 'round here handin' me none of your lies. Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.


6. Ronnie Milsap, "I Hate You" (1973)

The sad lyrics don't quite live up to the punch of the song's title, but the thought of Ronnie Milsap singing a song called "I Hate You," well, it warms our hearts just a little bit. That dark, stony, unfeeling part of our hearts that loves so much to hate. Notable lyric: Oh ain't it funny how a heart that loved you one time, could be filled with so much anger for you and your kind.

 


5. Randy Travis, "Better Class of Losers" (1991)

Randy's totally been living up to this song lately. Notable lyric: I'm going back to a better class of loser. This uptown living's really got me down. I need friends who don't pay their bills on home computers, and they buy their coffee beans already ground. You think it's disgraceful that they drink three dollar wine, but a better class of loser suits me fine.


4. Tie: Miranda Lambert, "Angry Ex-Girlfriend," "Gunpowder and Lead" and "Kerosene" (2005-2008)

Uh, Miranda's kinda psycho. And we like it. Notable lyric: Now I don't hate the one who left, you can't hate someone who's dead. He's out there holding on to someone, I'm holding up my smoking gun. I'll find somewhere to lay my blame the day she changes her last name. Well I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me.


3. Eddie Noack, "Psycho" (1968)

A honky-tonk singer, songwriter and industry exec, Noack's best-known song is his cover of this Leon Payne tune, proving that there was plenty of crazy in country long before Miranda (and Carrie and Taylor). Notable lyric: I've seen my ex last night, Mama, at a dance at Miller's store. She was with that Jackie White, Mama, I killed them both, and they're buried under Jenkins sycamore.


2. Harry Nilsson, "You're Breakin' My Heart" (1972)

Nilsson ain't country, you say? WELL FUCK YOU. This song's essential if your V-day is more parts vindictive than Valentine. Notable lyric: You're breakin' my heart, you're tearin' it apart so fuck you. All I want to do is have a good time now I'm blue.


1. John Prine and Iris DeMent, "In Spite of Ourselves" (1999)

Because we had to include just one love song. Notable lyric: He ain't got laid in a month of Sundays. I caught him once and he was sniffin' my undies. He ain't too sharp but he gets things done. Drinks his beer like it's oxygen. He's my baby, and I'm his honey. Never gonna let him go.


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