Top 5 fake songs of 2015

Only Rick and Morty mattered in 2015

Only Rick and Morty mattered in 2015

Year-end lists are bullshit. Invariably. At this point, they're obligatory — mostly derivative — templates that don't really mean anything other than the few pageviews they attract.

The whole thing's a farce, but like most farces associated with life in America, it will continue forever regardless, so we've decided to take what little power we can into our own hands and start handing out awards to farcical songs. You may find authenticity on every other EOTY post you read this year, but you won't find these inauthentic classics.

These were the best fake songs of 2015. Welcome to the content apocalypse.

5) Merci USA — "Thank You"

2015's answer to the 1-800-KARS-4-KIDS song was the infectious jingle for German chocolate company Merci. Merci took their namesake to literal ends in their crossover ad campaign, crafting an earworming bit of soft rock hinged on the repetitious formula of "You didn't have to [nice-ass action], but you did, but you did, but you did, so I thank you."

The advertorial alchemy was instantly recognizable, and the 30-second spot immediately entered Merci into national Thoughtless Thank-You Gift consideration. You'd have to bleach your prefrontal cortex to remove the song from your mind, or you could just bite into the fine European chocolate and say "thank you" to the gods of marketing for another jungle to hate-love.

Merci USA - Thank you from Caramel Pictures on Vimeo.

4) Nicholas Fraser — "Why the Fuck You Lyin'"

In August, pre-teen fuckboy app Vine exploded with a new meme that, as of this writing, still hasn't abated. The meme consists of a person trying to pull some shady, catchall excuse that cuts to Nicholas Fraser singing, "Why the fuck you lying? / Why you always lying?," to the tune of Next's "Too Close" (Minnesota connection!). 

Because the internet is weird and, if we're being honest, kinda basic, Fraser's song was an instant hit, and a full-length video followed soon. The four-minute clapback is a grating listen, and you really only need six seconds to get the point, but that doesn't make the song any less significant. In the grand scheme of 2015, the chorus was so ubiquitous that I'm honestly surprised it didn't chart. 

3) Bob, Linda, and Louise Belcher — "The Happy Crappy Song"

Loren Bouchard and Nora Smith are experts at injecting music into their goofy-cute family cartoon Bob's Burgers. And early in 2015, they aired "Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise," perhaps their greatest musical achievement in the show's five-season run. In the episode (which inspired this enlightening interview with VICE), Bob finally gains entrance to his town's community garden, and he joyously celebrates by babying all his little herbs and fruit plants.

In his stead, Louise and Linda operate the restaurant, gradually losing their minds without Bob's chaos-managing presence. The consonance is beautiful (even if the ukulele cover embedded below isn't), and has that typical Bob's Burgers theatrical element that moves the plot while giving the characters some much-needed exposition. 

2) Sam Dresden ft. Lindsay Jillian — "New Phone, Who Dis?"

You're the Worst came a long way in its second season, and the Millennial-minded FXX sitcom's shining moment came when rapper Sam Dresden — one of main character Gretchen's clients — enters into a beef with his stablemates Honeynutz and Shitstain. But when Gretchen seeps into a lengthy bout of clinical depression, her happy-go-lucky BFF Lindsay helps Sam record a diss track inspired by her tactless dismissal of her ex husband. The result is a song that really should exist in real life. "New Phone, Who Dis?" is a cold — albeit absurd — slam from the unlikely pair that shows just how hurtful that titular text can be when employed for spite. Also, it's catchy as all hell.

1) Rick and Morty — "Get Schwifty"

If your year in music wasn't defined by "Get Schwifty," you're an asshole. It's perhaps one of the most perfect songs to come out in 2015, real or otherwise. Its genesis goes like this: When Earth is unwittingly entered into an intergalactic singing competition (think The Voice but the loser has their planet incinerated), Rick and Morty save the day by improvising an undeniably catchy pop song titled "Get Schwifty." Does the song mean anything? Of course not!

If anything, it's a commentary on how factorial writing in popular music has gotten. It's at the point where a one-note song about shitting on the floor can redeem your entire world. The only song that can even hold a candle to "Get Schwifty" in 2015 is the pair's followup song, "Head Bent Over," which solidified the Earth's standing with the Cromulons. Rick and Morty for goddamn ever.