Top 10 Ways Not To Be An Asshole at a Concert

We've all seen them. Perhaps we've even been them. The asshole who ruins the show for everyone around them. If everyone would just take heed of these 10 simple rules, concerts would be a lot more enjoyable for everyone. I've seen my share of shows over the years, and understand if you think I'm the asshole for laying down these rules. But you should trust me, take this advice, and we'll all have less to complain about at shows.

10. Do not spend the entire show taking photos/video on your phone - I guarantee you that you will never watch that video you spent the entire show recording, nor will you ever look at those blurry photos. Want to snap a few pics to share on social media? Cool, then put your phone away. Enjoy the show; that's what you paid for.

9. Do not talk throughout the whole show - To be clear, it's okay to chat quietly at times, but people didn't come to hear a whole conversation about how Sally is bothering you at work, or why you and Jim broke up, throughout the entire show. Go to a coffee shop or a bar. It's clear you don't care much about the band onstage anyway.

8. Do not be the jerk that shows up late and pushes their way to the front of the room - I don't care if you're the shortest person in the room; you are not entitled to a spot in the front if you did not show up early.

I'm especially talking to the girls who showed up late at the Jenny Lewis show last August. My friend and I arrived early to get spots spots right up front, and I'm sorry [sarcasm] if I had to go do a job and take photos in the pit. Thanks so much for not letting me back when I was trying to get back to my friend, then saying to her, "Well, if your friend was taking photos, she had a better view than all of us. There's no way she's getting her spot back." You win the "Best Human" award.

7. Spend money at the merch table before the bar - Not a big surprise, but independent bands -- and even ones that are signed -- don't make a lot of money. Before you get another $8 beer, stop by the merch table and see what the artist has to offer. Most likely you'll piss out that drink before you leave the venue, but with a CD or t-shirt, you'll have something to remember the band by -- plus that money will help fill their gas tank. 

6. Know how to handle your drink or your high - If you're going to drink or light up, fine, but just make sure you are not acting like an idiot. If you are blackout drunk, you most likely don't realize how much of a jackass you are being.

Last week, my sister and I were at the George Ezra show, and we, along with everyone in a 15-foot radius, could have done without the drunk woman exclaiming how much she loved Mr. Ezra and how she wanted to have sex with him every few minutes. Calm yourself.


5. Help someone up if they fall - If someone falls in the pit, help them up -- but if they fall while walking because they chose to wear inappropriate high heels out to a show, it's okay to laugh. They are stupid and deserve all the ridicule they'll get.   

4. Leave the makeout session for the bedroom - No one wants to see you and your significant other fondling and groping each other to the point where we can no longer tell where one person ends and the other begins. I'm talking to you, Danny Brown. The only people who think this kind of thing is cool is eighth graders dancing to Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" at a junior high school dance. 


3. Don't yell "Free Bird" during a lull in the show or when the band asks for requests - The only time this is acceptable is at an actual Lynyrd Skynyrd show. If this request ever comes up at any future shows for a random band, I think it's required that we would have to oblige the band if they break into a half-hour version of the song. "Waaaaah, waaa-ah, waaaaaah, waaa-ah, If I leave here tomorrow..."

2. Do not dance on me - Appreciate my space. I know you're excited to see the band that wrote the music that shaped who you are during your formative years, but I paid for my space too -- I just may not show my love for the band the same way you do.

1. Appreciate the bands you're seeing - I get it, you may have been too cool to clap along to their hit song, but at least give them a round of applause when the song is done or they finish playing. If you're at a concert and think you're cooler than everyone around you, think again. You're still at the same show. Enjoy it.

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