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Top 10 most ridiculous country songs of '09

Top 10 most ridiculous country songs of '09

We're nearing year's end, and I'd lose whatever shred of credibility I have left if I was to offer y'all a list detailing my favorite songs in country of the past year (note: some of them are included in the list I am offering you below; I won't say which). And so in keeping with the relative disdain for popular country we all ought to share, I instead present to you the top 10 most ridiculous songs in country of the past year. Songs that take literal lyricism to its most extreme. Songs about tractors, and tractors and, well, more tractors. Songs that make my friends laugh in disbelief when I explain their concepts. I've made a bar room pastime out of it, in fact. "Hey, you gotta hear this song this guy wrote about his tractor! No, this other one! No, not that one. Another one!"

Zac Brown Band - "Toes"

Zac Brown Band is a country jam band. Need I say more? Okay I will. In this Jimmy Buffet-esque song, Brown details his escape from GA to drink rum on an island beach, the muchachas calling him "Big Poppa" when he throws pesos their way, edited for country radio with the removal of all mention of "ass" in sand and "rolling big fat ones." Adios and vaya con dios.

Brad Paisley - "Welcome to the Future"

Brad Paisley's lyrics drive me absolutely nuts. To my knowledge, Paisley has never employed a metaphor. In this song, Paisley welcomes us to "the future" (per Paisley, the future is now!), a world in which we play Pac-Man on our phones rather than at the arcade! Where we communicate via video chats rather than letters! He makes some mention of Martin Luther (King, presumably) after remembering a friend on the football team who once had a cross burned in his yard (some sort of inspirational note ending the song that utterly confounds me). Paisley's lyrics may be maddening, but as a friend and fan of his pointed out, he is a pretty amazing guitar player - you can check him out when he visits the Xcel this January with Miranda Lambert.

Tim McGraw - "It's a Business Doing Pleasure With You"

Faith Hill is evidently breaking Tim McGraw's bank now that her own career is on hiatus while she cares of their kids, and he's outfitting her Escalade with new spinners and her damned dog in $1500 collars.

 

Toby Keith - "American Ride"

Toby tackles global warming, gas prices and the fight against Christmas caroling. The video says it all.

Jason Aldean - "Big Green Tractor"

Have you heard of Omegle? I like to go on there and communicate with Strangers in my special Aldean language.

Stranger: i'm 23 / m / ukraine
You: Can I take you for a ride on my big green tractor?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: of course
You: You can climb up in my lap and drive if you want to.
Stranger: haha
You: Girl you know you got me to hold on to.
Stranger: girl?
You: We can go to town. Or baby if you'd rather I'll take you for a ride on my big green tractor.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hello
You: Hello. Would you like to take a ride on my big green tractor?
You: Damn you type slow. Tractor's leaving, girl.
You have disconnected.

Stranger: horny f?
You: Can I take you for a ride on my big green tractor?
You: We can go slow, or make it go faster.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hey
You: Can I take you for a ride on my big green tractor?
Stranger: i could
You: We can go slow or make it go faster.
Stranger: is it a john deer
You: We can fire it up and I can show you around.
Stranger: thats great but IS IT A JOHN DEER
You: It's green. Clearly. Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to. Girl, you know you got me to hold on to.
You: Just let me dust off the seat.
Stranger: if its not a john deer im not interested
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: anyway, do u like dogs ?:)
You: Anyway, can I take you for a ride on my big green tractor? :)
Stranger: okay, but anyway, do u like dogs ?:)
You: Okay, but anyway, can I take you for a ride on my big green tractor? :)
Stranger: sure, but i'd rather ride it if it was pink..
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: HI
You: HI
Stranger: WAET AR YOU FROM
Stranger: IAM MAROCO
You: I AM FROM THE COUNTRY. CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE ON MY BIG GREEN TRACTOR? I HAVE BEEN TO MAROCO, TANGIER. IT WAS NICE, BUT I DID NOT SEE ANY TRACTORS.
You: PEOPLE TRIED TO SELL ME HASHISH AND POSTCARDS. I SAW SOME BELLY DANCERS. DO YOU LIKE TRACTORS?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

Billy Currington - "People are Crazy"

In his song, Currington shares a beer with an old man, and the old man dies leaving Currington, not his family, all his wealth. The family's pissed. Ah, the power of a shared brew! Letterman loves the song. I think Currington's crazy but yes, beer is indeed good.

Alan Jackson - "Sissy's Song"

I thought Alan Jackson's song was funny because it's about a dude who's sad that this woman is dead, but he calls it a sissy's song. That's right, you sad sissy! Turns out it's actually about friend of his who died prematurely. Her name was Sissy. Oops!

Blake Shelton - "Green"

Listen here.

Another tractor song! Shelton's got a hundred acre farm, a John Deere in his barn, he knows more about cane pole fishin' than he'll ever know about carbon emissions, but his li'l corner of the world's doin' just fine 'cause he was green before green was a thing. (I confess, this is one of my favorite songs of the year.)

Rodney Atkins - "Watching You"

Now, this song technically hit the charts in '07 not '09, but was still big on radio over the summer, and I had the pleasure of seeing Atkins at the county fair last summer (even walked away with a Rodney can coozie!). This is a song about a dude who is in love with a woman who lives in his hometown and so he peeks into her windows at night, pulls down his fly and... oh no. This is actually a song about a boy who is watching his dad, for better or for worst, learning from him how to cuss (oops!) and pray (phew!).

Craig Morgan - "International Harvester"

Another cheat, as this song hit the charts in '08, but forgive me, I really wanted to include a third tractor song.


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