I don't honestly know why I am allowed to do anything in this world. I don't know why I'm allowed to write for this paper when all I do is make fun of things and sometimes get drunk at Xcel Center concerts that I don't belong at. I don't know why people let me book shows when I still honestly don't know how to plug in a PA system or the difference between instrument and stereo cables. I don't know why my band is able to play anywhere when I have kicked mic stands into audiences, broken things, and dived into crowds while wearing nothing but a tie-dyed shirt.
It's not that I'm particularly insightful, a great writer, or some sort of brilliant performer. Most of my ideas are trite and better constructed by others. My writing suffers from poor syntax and grammatical errors. I even had to look up the word "syntax" to make sure I was using it correctly in a sentence. And my abilities as a performer? I'm certainly not athletic; it's mainly the product of alcohol multiplied by a lack of concern for my well-being -- something my doctors and therapists are entirely unamused by.
All I can figure is that I'm kind of interesting and everyone is completely fucking bored. So here I am.
For this year's Picked to Click, a silly popularity contest that polls about a hundred people I've never heard of to elect ten music acts I will never care about, I wrote a near-psychotic diatribe against the music scene of the Twin Cities.
If you don't feel like wading through the frenzied pools of drool that make up the statement -- located here -- I'll sum it up for you.
This city is full of fair-weather fans who are concerned with leveraging their interest in art for the purpose of looking cool.
In exchange for beer money, I have agreed to expound upon the topics of everything I hate about music, people, and the combination of the two combined: people playing music. As science (a.k.a. Buzzfeed) has proven that there is a clear and preferred way to present information in this decade, I have compiled numerous lists to help us both along.
For starters, if you're unfamiliar with my particular brand of tripe, the following articles will help give you a little glimpse into precisely what sort of asshole I am.
10 Articles I Wrote This Year That You Should Have Read:
In 2014, if I went to any large-capacity venues to catch shows, it was to see my friends play. I usually like to catch shows in basements and in bars full of people who are as stupid as I am. I think people imagine that these shows are just like 20 guys in leather jackets standing around and staring at each other while they smoke cigarettes. Some of them are. Most aren't. But most of you wouldn't know that because you're too lazy or afraid to find pockets of bizarre and interesting shit.
10 Great Bands That Came To The Twin Cities That You Missed:
10. Mr. Dad
8. Nature Boys
7. Criminal Code
6. Ancient Filth
4. Mystic Inane
2. Nasa Space Universe
Being as how I didn't really participate in the Picked to Click thing, I lost out on the opportunity to cast my vote for a myriad of incredible bands that no one will ever pay attention to. Here are some of them.
10 New Local Bands Worth A Shit:
9. Mute Swan
8. Yoni Yum
7. Whatever Forever
6. New Wave Hookers
1. Uranium Club
Preemptively, I have created a list to save you from the problems that arise from messing up your keyboard as you hysterically sob over a music article on the internet. The next list will hopefully quell your urge to take to the comments section to attempt to prove yourself to someone who does not care.
10 Names You Will Call Me Because You Have Not Heard Of These Bands:
5. Hipster Poser
4. Loser Dork
3. Elitist Loser
2. Poser Dork
1. Elitist Hipster Poser
These final lists should speak for themselves:
People Who Are Capturing Every Single Local Band On Video And Have A YouTube Channel For It:
1. No One Else
10 Reasons You Should Not Listen To Me:
10. Recently, instead of calling a doctor, the first thing I did after coughing up blood was go buy donuts.
9. One time I made myself throw up on a table to spite the people working at the bar I was at.
8. I wear prescription glasses that are tinted and look like the manager of a video game arcade at a mall.
7. I tried shaving my head with a 50-year-old electric razor I got at a garage sale and cut myself.
6. I had to get stitches once because I smashed a bottle on my head because I thought it was cool.
5. I tried shaving my head with dog shears and cut myself.
4. Recently I ate something on my kitchen counter that I thought was food but was not food.
3. I am 31 and still in a hardcore band.
2. I really admire that guy who turned his cat into a helicopter.
1. I am an Elitist Hipster Poser.
For the love/hate of all things, follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.
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