The Wet Spot: Zombie sexiness

The Wet Spot: Zombie sexiness
Photo by Sapphireblue

What do you get when you combine 5,000 zombies, a few dozen gallons of fake blood, an all day drink-a-thon and the music of LFO?

A recipe for sexiness, that's what.

This Saturday, thousands of undead partiers will converge on the West Bank for the fifth annual Zombie Pub Crawl. Now guys, you might be thinking to yourself, "Fake blood and LFO are both crazy-sweet, but I don't think I'd call them sexy." Well guess what? You're wrong. Dead wrong. Or perhaps, UNdead wrong.

(Author's note: Came up with that one all by myself! Ta-Da!)

Zombie Pub Crawl is one of those very rare occasions where the playing field is completely leveled. No matter who you are, what you look like, how much personality you have or how many one-armed push-ups you can do in a minute (36), this is one night where anyone can turn an innocent costumed drinking event into a hotbed of zombie erotica.

Choose your look

Look, any a-hole can throw on some white face paint and splash on a little fake blood. But when there are 4,999 other people vying for attention, you need to think a little outside the box if you want to attract a potential Frankenbang-mate.

(Author's note: Zing! The hits keep coming! Heeeeyooooo!)

What you want to do is try to find a hot theme for your zombie hook-up that makes people stop and say, "Wow, that's a unique and creative look. I think I'm going to give that zombie some hand-love in a bathroom stall at Preston's." Here are a few ideas:

- Try a U.S. history theme. Roll in as zombie JFK, or go big and rock a fake beard and top hat as zombie Abraham Lincoln (the sexiest of all U.S. Presidents!). If there are two things that ladies can't get enough of, its zombies and American history.

-  Looking for something a little more recent? Put a pop-culture spin on your zombie theme by carrying around a giant Publisher's Clearing House check and call yourself zombie Ed McMahon. Or, slide on your fishnet bodysuit and strap a belt around your neck as zombie David Carradine.

(Author's note: Don't even try judging me for that one. You know there are going to be plenty of zombie Patrick Swayze's and MJ's out this weekend, and they died in far less sexy ways than Carradine did. Fine, judge me. See if I care.)

Perfect your approach

Two tips from the Zombie Pub Crawl website for attracting and interacting with other zombie folk:

- Don't forget to practice your Zombie walk, moan, stagger and stare.
- Get ready to eat brains.


No offense, Zombie Pub Crawl website; those aren't bad ideas. I love a good stare down as much as the next guy. But as someone who has had many dreams involving zombies (sexy zombies, that is), I can tell you that the way to bond with your fellow undead partiers isn't by staggering, moaning or eating brains. It's all about licking faces.

Trust me on this. If you really want to show everyone that you are in the true zombie spirit, you need to get out there and lick as many people's faces as you can. Like the Bushwhackers circa 1990. It doesn't matter who they are, or whether or not they are even participating in the event. Just walk up and lick their face. This is a can't-miss idea.

(Unsexy legal notice: City Pages assumes no responsibility for any potential spike in H1N1 breakout in the greater Minneapolis area as a result of this week's Wet Spot.)

Cover your bases

Ever heard of the walk of shame? Don't lie.

We've all been there. That sad moment the morning after a less than desirable hook-up when you're forced to endure the humiliation of wandering back to your car or home wearing the same clothes from the night before, with the unmistakable look of shame plastered across your face.

But what if your face is covered in zombie makeup?

Think about it - you're covered in blood, look like you've been living in a hole in the ground and reek of Coors Light (the official beer of David Carradine. BOOM - got you again). So is anyone going to think anything different if you happen to be walking home at 7:30 a.m. the next morning? Exactly.

Guys, this is especially helpful for you as most women will be more likely to let their guard down knowing that they are free from potential morning-after judgment from strangers on the street.

You've got nothing to lose, gentleman. And neither do they.

As you read this, I am likely putting the finishing touches on my hot zombie attire for this Saturday (will I be wearing a Sex World tank top? Maybe I will. Maybe...I...will). No matter who you are or what your motivation, just remember this one equation:

Hot zombie look + face licking + loss of inhibitions - auto-erotic asphyxiation = Best day ever.

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