First, Beverly got eliminated on Rock of Love Bus. Then, I saw two douchebags wearing Affliction t-shirts fist-fight each other in a gas station parking lot (who won the fight, you ask? America. Because when douche bags in Affliction t-shirts kick each other's asses, the world becomes a better place.) And then there's the new Prince album.
I can't lie - I'm psyched about the new Prince.
Since the beginning to time, Prince has been making more than albums; he makes erotic masterpieces (much like myself).
The best part of listening to a Prince record is that it can transform any situation into a hotbed of sexual energy. And when it comes to setting the mood for some erotic activity, there is nothing more important than a hot soundtrack.
Any time you ask someone about what kinds of music helps get them in the mood for love, it seems like you get the same boring-ass answers:
"Try Marvin Gaye or Barry White. That'll get the ladies warmed up."
Good answer, unoriginal guy. Let me guess; next you try to get them excited with some "foreplay?" What else? Maybe use "condoms?" So cliché.
"What about something harder, like Linkin Park or Nickelback?"
Seriously dude, slam your dick in a door. Do it. Save an unsuspecting lady from having to deal with you.
So aside from his Royal Purpleness, what other songs SHOULD you have programmed in your iPod to ensure that your next erotic evening reaches the next level? Glad you asked.
Song: Knockin' Boots
What makes it an erotic jam: You know when old people hear a song on the radio and say something like, "they don't make music like that anymore" and make you feel all awkward? That's how I feel when I hear Candyman. So what makes this song a sensual staple? Two words: Tone Loc.
Candyman started out backing Tone Loc, before Loc eventually took him under his wing. And if Tone Loc says something is sexy, you go with it.
"Funky Cold Medina" = funky hot awesomeness. "Wild Thing" = wildly amazing. Surf Ninjas = a highly entertaining and touching film. I think I've made my point.
Artist: Third Eye Blind
Song: Semi-Charmed Life
What makes it an erotic jam: Trust me on this one. It might seem lame on the surface, but if you were a 16-year-old high school kid getting his first handy-J in the parking lot of a Taco Bell back in 1998, this song was the sexiest track on the radio.
Is there any better way to lose your clothes-on virginity then by listening to one of the 90's most popular bands belt out their greatest (and pretty much only) hit? There is not. But be warned; trying to duplicate this scenario on your own may end up with you finishing way too early and having the girl tell everyone at your school about the experience which will then lead to everyone you know - including your teachers - calling you "Pre-Jack Patrick" for the rest of your high school career. And your reunion (Katie, I'm not mad anymore. Call me sometime. Let's catch up).
Song: The theme song from Beverly Hills 90210
What makes it an erotic jam: Everyone - and I do me EVERYONE - has fantasized about one of the original cast of Beverly Hills 90210 at some point in their lifetime. The second those opening chords hit, the hotness level skyrockets from Brian Austin Green (circa 2009) level, to Brian Austin Green (circa 1994). TiVo a couple reruns and get ready to see the sparks fly.
If only it was that easy for me to quit you, Ian Ziering.
There are thousands of hot jams out there, and it's important for you to find the right tracks that make both you and your partner feel like sexual masters. But if you take my advice and download my sweet erotic playlist, you'll be opening yourself up to a paradise of pleasure like you can't imagine.