I'm seriously over this whole "recession" thing.
People are losing their jobs and no one is doing much to help them find new ones. I know the government is trying to handle problem long-term, but what about today? Who's going to help people earn money and support themselves right now? I think I have an idea.
That's right; once again it looks like it's up to me and the internet to save the world (much like we did back in '98 when that asteroid was coming towards earth and the government sent me, the internet, Bruce Willis and Aerosmith into outer space to blow it up. Yeah, that was us. You're welcome).
This past week I scoured the web, looking for ways you can earn some fast cash for providing a service that will never take a dive because of the economy. No, I'm not saying that you should start a Bacon Brothers cover band and tour the country (because I already have and we are amazing. Don't try to compete). I'm talking about a little website called Sellyoursextape.com. Time to fix the economy.
The site offers real couples the chance to earn $2,000 in exchange for filming themselves for an hour a day for seven days straight. And not just having sex, but everything that they do in their everyday lives. Then, you mail the tape back to the company, they cut you a check and you pray that your parents haven't figured out how to Google your name.
I dug a little deeper into the site and learned that there are certain requirements for interested couples. For example, you can use aliases to conceal your identity but masks are off limits. Also, there can be no music or TV in the background as the company doesn't have permission from the artists to use their material. This would be an issue for me personally, because I can't get in the mood without the help of a little Mr. Mister.
As for what you need to look like, it turns out that people (guys) who watch internet porn aren't that picky. The site says that they are interested in couples of all kinds, and as long as you're young and healthy looking you're in.
Now, I can understand how someone may not want to start having sex on camera for money. The glamour, the parties, the fame, dating Alfonso Ribeiro - it's so intoxicatingly awesome that you might never be able to stop. Fortunately, the site clearly states that you may only submit yourself once, so you're totally covered.
After watching a few of the clips on the site I've come to realize that the most successful videos are the ones that showcase their surroundings. Think about it; some erotic action by the big spoon, an on-the-road quickie while driving over the Hennepin Bridge, masturbating in the unisex bathroom at the Independent until your friend's wife accidentally walks in on you and makes things really weird (for real Rachel, I was adjusting myself. That was all). The list goes on and on.
Look, the economy is horseshit and I get that. But what are you going to do about it? Get a part time job until you find something new, and spend your free time sending out resumes and looking for a new career? That is the worst idea ever. EVER.
$2,000 is a lot of money, not only for you but for the American economy that will benefit from your spending. So really, by making your own internet porn you're not only doing it for yourself - you're doing it for America. After all, George Washington would do the same for you.