Ever since I dropped mad knowledge about the intricacies of cougar hunting, I've gotten thousands of emails (11) and hundreds of text messages (4) telling me about variations of cougars, as well as other classifications of animalistic ladies. For example:
Jaguar = An older version of the cougar, typically in her fifties, who is financially stable on her own and looking for a 20-something-year-old dude to prey on.
Puma = A younger woman in her late-twenties or early-thirties who, while still relatively young, prefers to date younger men.
White Tiger = A beautiful, amazing woman lives in Vegas and prefers only the company of older German magicians. Who she occasional tries to eat (Get it? Get it? God I'm clever).
(Author's note: Remember? Roy got his face bit off by that tiger? Just making sure you got it.)
But this week, I'm not here to talk about here to discuss urban jungle cats. This week, it's the ladies' turn. Time to go trap some sugar daddies.
In order to learn more about this art form, I enlisted the help of one of my female friends who has tracked down her fair share of shady older guys. For the sake of this article (and as usual, to protect her anonymity), let's call her Shannen Doherty.
So this weekend, I met up with Brenda and she gave me her patented three-step process .
Shannen Doherty's Tips for Snagging a Sugar Daddy
Step One: Identifying a sugar daddy
Here's the key difference between cougars and sugar daddies - Cougars are all about putting it out there, letting the young meat know what they're about. How? Mostly by sexy eye contact, provocative body language and a smoker's cough that screams, "I'm going to steal your soul." But in a sexy way.
But sugar daddies; they're much more discrete.
So how do you spot a sugar daddy? Here are a couple of things to look for:
- Unreasonably tight jeans (the really bright blue kind that look like they might be denim-colored sweatpants).
- Crew neck sweatshirt with sports team logo embroidered across the front (WARNING: Stay away from guys with screen print. That's just not classy).
- Bright white Reebok high-tops. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
You find a man who is sporting these three articles of clothing? That's a grade-A sugar daddy (unless he's sitting at the bar at Hooter's in the middle of the afternoon. According to Shannen, that's a mistake she's only made twice and plans to never make again. Until Sunday. Gooo Vikings!).
Step Two: Attracting the target
Again, a key difference between cougars and sugar daddies - Cougars will be more than happy to approach their prey, making it very, very clear what they want. Like the woman at Houlihan's a few days ago who followed me into the bathroom and grabbed me in a very provocative way while I was standing at the urinal.
Hottest. Date. Ever.
But sugar daddies? Sometimes you need to approach them.
So where is the best place to approach a sugar daddy? According to S. Doherty, the best spots include public bathrooms at Houlihan's (obviously), trick or treating and the Peach Pit (you had to know it was coming).
Honorable mention: Bellanote. RIP, sugar daddy haven.
Just remember, wherever you spot the sugar daddy, the key is persistence. Even if he seems uninterested, annoyed or even afraid, just keep at it. You must break him.
Step Three: Finish him
While some sugar daddies will take you out a bunch of times, spend some money on you for drinks or dinners or Nyquil (I think I need to stop hanging out with Shannen Doherty. I'm not sure she always gives me the most accurate information), others will look for some no-strings hook-up action and then try to walk out.
Don't be another victim. Once you've got him, finish the job.
Now, I'm not advocating doing something crazy like pretending to pregnant or threatening to tell his wife/kids/baby mama. But according to Shannen, the best option is tattooing his name on yourself somewhere - prison-style - and calling his house every night at 3 a.m. until he finally agrees to leave his wife for you. Some day.
(Author's note: OK, I'm officially apologizing to everyone reading this right now. The last time I hung out with Shannen was like, two years ago, and at that time her favorite hobby was making me call guys she hooked up with at 2:30 in the morning and saying she was in the hospital. Sooo...probably not the best person to be giving advice. My bad.)