The Wet Spot: Sculpting the ultimate erotic facial hair

Hypothetical question: If you had the chance to bone any one of the three main characters in the time-honored film, Three Men and a Baby, who would you choose?

Of course you would choose Tom Selleck. Who wouldn't?

And why would you choose Magnum P.I. over Steve Guttenberg and Sam Mallone from Cheers? One word: mustache.

It's a scientific fact that the right choice of facial hair can turn any man into a majestic panther of eroticism.

(Author's note: Whoa. That last line actually just gave me chills. God I have a sexy vocabulary!)

However, make the wrong choice of facial hair and you can quickly go from majestic panther to syphilis kitten -- the least sexy of all felines (I'm kind on a weird cat-kick this week. Sorry).

So how do you know if your facial hair is sending the right erotic messages? Don't worry; I got your back. Let's start sculpting.

The Fu Manchu

A classic choice when it comes to erotic facial hair, the Fu Manchu is a staple for both evil criminal genius', as well as dudes who know how to get DOWN. Let's do a quick rundown of hot Manchu's of the past:

- A.J. McLean of Backstreet Boys fame (Total bad boy. Total sexiness.)
- Jared Allen of Minnesota Vikings fame (In case that's not enough sweetness, check this video of him hunting with a spear. Total bad-assness. Total sexiness.)
- Ben Affleck of Reindeer Games fame (That was a good movie and you know it. Fine; judge me. Whatever.)

When ladies see a well-manicured F.M., they immediately think, "This dude is totally edgy and dangerous. Plus, there's an outside chance I'm actually talking to Ben Affleck. Win-win."

Bottom line; the F.M. has a spotless track record. It may take a little longer to grow than other facial hair, but if you can pull it on.

The Mountain Man Beard

This one is sort of a gamble. Only a very special few can make this look work.

The reason? Because in general, most guys that are sporting the mountain man beard smell like death. Actual death.

Not to get morbid, but if you've ever been in the same bathroom room as a dead hooker body, then you probably know what a mountain man beard smells like.

(Author's note: But I don't know anything about that. Please don't Google "Patrick Strait" and "Seattle 2002" together. Please.)

For most women, a mountain man beard says that a guy doesn't know how to keep himself clean and has no business even approaching her. But in a few rare cases, when done correctly, a mountain man beard can give you a look of rugged toughness that screams, "I can be both gentle and passionate. Plus, I can skin a bear in under 30 seconds."

So how do you know if you fall into this category? Just follow this simple two step process:

1) Go find a bear.
2) Kill him and skin him in under 30 seconds. Then wear his shiny pelt as a trophy of your conquest. His spirit will guide you.

(Author's note: Even I think this week's Wet Spot is starting to get weird. Sorry about that again.)

The Classic Mustache

Go ahead, make the joke.

"DUDE! Free mustache rides for everyone bro!"

Let me tell you something, dear reader, there is no such thing as a "free" mustache ride. It has a price. A very. Heavy. Price. Let's move on.

I wish I could tell you that I've tried each of these choices in facial grooming. Unfortunately, at age 27 I grow facial hair at the same speed as a 14-year-old (and NOT a 14-year-old Vili Fualaau. That kid had a full stache by age eight. For that, I admire him).

But what I can tell you is that facial sculpting isn't something to be taken lightly. It involves careful planning, consideration and the watching of many, many Burt Reynolds movies. Knowledge is power.