The Wet Spot: Scoring the ultimate three-way

Here's a completely hypothetical situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me:

Let's say that you're a 27-year-old married guy who also happens to be an erotic specialist, lives in Minneapolis and is best friends with an eccentric yet brilliant scientist who built a time machine fueled by a flux capacitor and can send you back to 1955 where you must make your parents fall in love in order to ensure your own survival.

(Author's note: For the record, while all of that stuff has happened to me (or Michael J. Fox, I get our lives mixed up sometimes), this is still completely hypothetical, and has nothing to do with me whatsoever.)

Now, imagine that it's Friday night, Sept. 25. Your wife's friend is coming into town on business and wants to go out and party with you and your wife at Liquor Lyle's.

Hypothetically speaking, you might be thinking to yourself, "That sounds like the ultimate scenario for a mad-hot threesome." And you would be correct.

So, hypothetically speaking, how would you close the deal and convince your wife and her friend to get down on some sweet M-F-F action while Doc Brown videotapes the whole thing in the closet? Don't worry; I've got you covered.

(Author's note: Sorry, I think I'm mixing up stories again. I mean, IF this was my story. Which it's not.)

Patrick's hypothetical guide to getting his wife and her girlfriend in a hot threesome

Step one: Using subliminal messages

Before you can start thinking up various Cirque du Soleil positions for the three of you to try out, you need to lay the groundwork. Now, some people will tell you that you should be honest and open with your wife and make sure that she's comfortable with the situation. Rookie mistake.

Threesomes are all about passion. Acting on emotion instead of logic. The more time you give your partner to think about the threesome, the more time they have to talk themselves out of it.

Instead, try dropping subliminal hints (secret messages...from the future!) that plant the seeds with your wife to consider "experimenting" with her friend. For example:

Me You: "Hey honey, would you ever do one of your friends?"
My wife Not my wife: "What? Why would you ask me that? We just got married a month ago!"
Someone other than me: "Yeah, totally. So back to you doing your friend, what gives?"

See? S-U-B-L-I-M-I-N-A-L. They never see it coming. Totally romantic.

Step two: Convincing the friend

Now that your wife is onboard, it's time to start working on the third leg of the stool. Subliminal messages aren't going to work in this situation; you need to be a little more upfront.

If your wife's friend is single, this is going to be a lot easier. If she has a boyfriend/husband/baby daddy, this is going to be a little more challenging.

(Author's note: Fortunately, I think my wife's friend is single. Although that doesn't matter. Because this has nothing to do with me. Totally hypothetical.)

In this situation, you need to make sure that you look far more desirable than anything that may be waiting for the third party back at home. Try this:

Me Definitely not me: "So, you're dating huh? That's cool. Want to see me pop my shirt off and do some one-armed push-ups? Thought so."
Woman who has no connection to my wife: "Patrick, this is the first time I've ever met you. You're weirding me out. Seriously."
Someone who looks nothing like Patrick: "Shhhh, don't say a word. Just watch my abs while I do these sit-ups...and dream."

See what I'm saying? Straightforward, yet respectful. Time to round third and head for home.

Step three: The epiphany

The final and most important part of pulling off any threesome is the close. You don't want seem like a total dirtball and just assume that both women are into it. Not only will this likely turn them both off on the idea, but it will force you to have to sleep on your couch for the next two weeks.

Instead, you need to make it seem like you hadn't thought of the idea until they did. That way, they feel like THEY are preying on YOU.

While I would love to offer you a sample conversation or maybe even a few talking points, the fact of the matter is that convincing your wife and her friend that you hadn't thought of this idea before they did isn't about verbal messages; it's about your facial expressions.

You need to convey shock, awe and excitement. Like this. BOOM:

Try it. It works.

Again, take this advice with a grain of salt, because I have no idea if it will work. This is a completely hypothetical situation, and definitely NOT my strategy for tonight (Friday) when I go out with my wife and her friend (strange coincidence). Great scott!

(Author's note: OK, so hypothetically, let's say that I WAS going to try and take my own advice and pull down a hot threesome. Would you want to know how it's real-time? Well then, maybe you should check out my Twitter starting around 8:00 p.m. tonight, where I might be giving updates of what may--or may not--be happening on my three-way date. I'm so going to get divorced.)