The Wet Spot: Rules for surviving a bachelor party
Guess what? Everyone hates people that are getting married.
Everyone. Even your parents.
There are so many terrible parties that people have to go to every time one of their friends decides to get married, and each one somehow manages to fall on the weekends when the best stuff is on TV. (Author's note: My family got pissed last summer when I skipped my cousin's wedding to watch a Three's Company marathon. She's now divorced. Thank you, John Ritter.)
But despite all of the lame-ass gifts, awkward conversations and bad dinners, there are two reasons why I love weddings - Kenny Loggins and the bachelor party (think of the last time you went to a wedding and you didn't hear some Kenny. That's what I thought. Now let's dance!).
On an unrelated note, what do you think Kenny Loggins played at his wedding? Another thing for me to dream about tonight.
The bachelor party is the most important part of any engagement. It's a night where you can get away with being drunk out of your skull, running your mouth to anyone that will listen and killing a hooker and burying her in the desert. Kidding!
(Author's note: Not kidd...nevermind.)
But even in a no-hold-barred atmosphere, there are still rules that need to be followed. Let's get awesome.
Rule #1: Never, ever bring a non-stripper to a bachelor party
Let's say that your best friend since birth happens to be a woman. You guys shared everything together, and she even introduced you to your fiancé. She should definitely get an invite, right? Wrong.
Bringing a woman to the bachelor party immediately drops the coolness level from Alan Thicke status (crazy-awesome) to Patrick Dempsey (suckage to the max).
Even worse than bringing the female-friend is bringing your significant other. Last month, I went to a bachelor party where a guy brought his wife. Go ahead, read that again. It happened.
Was she a buzz kill? She was. Did I proposition her to hook up with me in the bathroom of Williams Peanut Bar? I did. Was she impressed? She was not. Just another reason why women DO NOT belong at bachelor parties.
Rule #2: Keep your eyes open for potential love connections in the form of waitresses/bartenders
Everyone knows that waitresses love drunk guys. And what's hotter to a waitress or a bartender than 10 drunk guys getting loud and acting a fool on a Saturday night at Hooters? Nothing.
The key here is to be the first guy to cross the line and start spitting game at said-server. She will be flattered by slurred advances, and impressed with your confidence in hitting on her in front of your friends.
But here's the catch; don't leave her a big tip. Instead, leave her a $2 bill (they're hard to find, but it will make you way more memorable) and write your name, phone number and address on it. She will be excited to have such a rare piece of currency in her possession, and intrigued by the mysterious vibe you've left her with.
Rule #3: Get in a fight
No good bachelor party is complete without an overly aggressive display of machismo. The best way to catapult your party to legendary status is by finding some other guys that are oozing machismo around 2 a.m. and get ready to throw down.
Please notice that I never said to WIN the fight. You don't even have to participate. As long as you have one meathead in your crew who is willing to pop his shirt off and throw bows out front of Block E, then all you need to do is sit back, yell some random tough guy gibberish and watch the douchey fireworks explode.
By following these three simple rules, you'll be able to suck it up and deal with yet another awful wedding cake cutting ceremony ("Is he going to smash the cake in her face? I never know! Oh no way! He totally did it!") knowing that your masculinity is intact, and you have a killer story that will live forever.
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