This past week, my parents came to town for three days full of turkey, shopping and awkward conversations about the G.I.L.F doll my mom found in my bedroom closet.
After dropping them off at the airport and saying goodbye, there was only one thing on my mind - strip club.
For some people, going to a strip club is an intimidating experience. What do you wear? What do you drink? When should you buy a dance? How can you avoid catching crabs? To answer these questions, I went undercover and spent an evening researching proper strip club etiquette at Schieks Palace Royale downtown (And by "research" I mean that I sat by myself in the corner and leered at people for six hours).
Time to make it rain.
What to wear
The first thing I noticed was that most of the club patrons chose to wear jeans or dress pants.
You want to make sure that you're wearing something much more light-weight and breathable. I recommend sweatpants, but windbreaker pants or Skidz work just as well (Remember Skidz? Whatever, cool guy. Keep lying to yourself).
On this evening, I decided to sport a fresh pair of red sweatpants. This served several purposes. First, it allowed me to look athletic, and made the dancers believe that I was a professional athlete (Strippers love pro athletes). Next, it allowed me to show off my sweet package, which also attracted plenty of attention for the girls (Strippers love sweet packages).
The only downside is that most sweatpants don't have pockets, making it difficult to carry your wallet, keys and glock. My suggestion - fanny pack. You're welcome.
What to drink
A lot of customers choose to sip on something fancy, like a Red Bull and vodka or a Jack and Coke. Aside from the fact that Red Bull and vodka is typically the drink of choice for douche bags, it is also a terrible strip club purchase because of the insane mark up.
Cost of one Red Bull and vodka at Schieks - $15.
Instead, I chose to order myself an $8 bottle of Coors Light (The official beer of lonely dudes at strip clubs) and drink it as slowly as possible.
Needless to say, you should never, ever, agree to buy a dancer a drink. Or several drinks. Or several drinks and then agree to pay her phone bill for the month (Gretta - PLEASE call me back. I know you're paid up! I love you).
Lap dance time
Finally, the big moment had arrived. It was dance time.
Once you finally find the right woman, it's important to keep your ears open so that you know when it's time to tell your dancer to hop off. If you don't, she could try to sneak in a second song and you'll be out another $20.
After I had selected my lady, she hopped up and started in on her routine. As soon as the last note of "Unskinny Bop" was finished, I told my gyrating princess to take a walk.
Keeping the crowd hype
While overall my evening was a good one, I couldn't help but think something was missing - energy.
The girls looked good and the club was nice but the MC sucked it hard. He just didn't do his job of keeping the crowd excited and the party going.
As I left the club that night reeking of cheap perfume and shame, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I could do that way better."
And I think I will.
Come see the Wet Spot LIVE!
Wednesday night, December 17 at Sinners in downtown Minneapolis, we'll crown the first-ever, "Miss Wet Spot!"
That's right, a one-night erotic extravaganza hosted by me, "The Erotic Specialist" Patrick Strait.
121 Washington Ave. North
Minneapolis, MN 55401
- Time: 10pm on 12/17/08
- Age: 18+
- Cost: $10 cover
Prizes: Erotic cash and prizes for the winners!
- 1st place: $250
- 2nd place: $100
- 3rd place: $50
This is going to be anything but your average strip club amateur night. We're talking about a competition designed by me for your viewing pleasure. What kind of events am I talking about? See you on the 17th.
Want to e-mail Patrick for some of his "sound" advice on sex or just make a comment about his column? Yes? Great! [email protected]