The Wet Spot presents: Minnesota's Top 9 sexiest scandals of the '00's
When people think of Minnesota, they don't usually think "sex scandal." How wrong they are.
Our state has been known to get into some seriously sexy mischief over the years, and the 2000s might be our sexiest, most scandalous decade of all time. That's why this week, we celebrate our sleazy side by counting down the top 9 sexiest Minnesota scandals of the past decade.
(Author's note: I chose to do 9 instead of 10 because 9 is a much sexier number. And because I'm terribly lazy.)
The Vikings Sex Boat
Did you hear? Last month Adrian Peterson got busted for SPEEDING! Yep, he was driving too fast and he even got a ticket! Now if that doesn't rock the
Vikings to their core, I don't know what will! Oh, right. Totally forgot about the sex boat thing.
In 2005, a group of our boys in purple decided to take a classy gentleman's cruise out on Lake Minnetonka. Since no one invited me, I can't tell you for sure what happened that day (*rails line off Dante Culpepper trading card, punches through wall*).
However, thanks to the good folks at Wikipedia, we know what ALLEGEDLY went down that afternoon:
An alleged sex party occurred on October 6, 2005 on Lake Minnetonka with 17 key members of the Minnesota Vikings football team. Two boats were rented and some, but not all of the players performed sexual acts in front of crew members. Stephen Doyle, attorney for the charter company, said some of the sex acts alleged by witnesses to have taken place during the party included, "Masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, man on man, toys, double penetration, middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the room."
In the end, there wasn't a whole lot of serious fallout from the event (minus some seriously bad PR for the Vikings, and some seriously sexy PR for Lake Minnetonka). But when it comes to partying, no one can deny the '05 Vikes knew how to get DOWN. Skol Vikes!
Al Franken - The OG of Erotic Specialists
Right after the turn of the century, Minnesota Senator Al Franken penned a hilarious, fictitious sex story for Playboy called, "Porn-O-Rama!" about a visiting a sex institute where he scores tons of hot virtual sexing. Check out a sample:
My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier-if not better-because when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed.
Apparently, the GOP has never enjoyed a cyber HJ, BJ, RJ, TJ or a KJ (admit it, you're trying to think of what each one of those stands for, aren't you? Perv), because they got all bent out of shape about the story and demanded Al apologize to women everywhere for his writing - eight years after the fact.
I think we all know how this story ends.
Now Al Franken, the original erotic specialist is serving our state proudly in Washington, and people have had to start looking for new sex columnists to get all pissy about. Hmmm...
Norm Coleman's dad is awesome
Tues., July 25, 2006 - 81-year-old Norm Coleman Sr. gets busted boning a 38-year-old woman in a car outside of a pizza place in St. Paul and arrested for lewd and disorderly conduct. So what did Norm Jr. have to say about it?
"I love my father dearly. I do not condone his actions or behavior, and I am deeply disturbed by what I have learned. He clearly has some issues that need to be dealt with, and I will encourage him to seek the necessary help."
Uhhhh...Norm? Your dad is 81. He was rockin' it with a 38-year-old. The only issue he needed to deal with was how sore his hand got from throwing so many high-fives with the cops he met while being booked.
Sadly, Norm Sr. passed away almost one year later to the day from cancer. However, I'm sure he's in a better place, eating pizza and knowing that he went out on top.
Larry Craig and his wide stance
Pop quiz - name the two sexiest places on Earth.
If you said, "MSP airport" and "a public bathroom" you are correct (for the record, unmarked utility van came in a close third). That being said, can you really blame former Idaho Senator Larry Craig for trying to hook up a little romance in the MSP airport bathroom back in 2007? Apparently you can.
L. Craig got arrested for toe-tapping another guy in a bathroom stall, which my uncle informs me is the universal signal for, "Hey, I've got a few minutes before my flight. How about a quick handy/blowy?" After he was arrested on suspicions of lewd conduct, he defended himself saying it was all a big misunderstanding and he simply had a "wide stance." Best. Defense. Ever.
In the end, Larry pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct. Sadly for the Senator, his crime was not punishable by jail time and the potential for unlimited toe-tapping went out the door (get it? Because he would have been in jail. And the other prisoners would have pounded him. I'm pretty awesome at subtlety).
Norm Coleman's wife is awesome-er
You wanted more Norm? You got more Norm!
While he may not have been cool with his dad's parking lot pimpin', he had to be OK with his ridiculously hot wife posing for some pseudo-racy photos back in 2004 that ran in the Washington Post, as a way to promote her acting career.
Later she would go on to start promoting a product called "Blo & Go" (*teehee*), which I didn't even bother to Google because I would rather trust my healthy sense of imagination as to what it entails.
I'm not really sure that there's a ton of scandal here, but any time you have the chance to post a picture of a super hot blonde who happens to be married to a politician AND use the words, "Blo & Go" all in one blog, you take it. God I love the Internet.
Late last year, several former Minneapolis Hilton Hotel employees dropped some sexy allegations about orgies taking place with several senior level staff members in one of the banquet rooms inside the hotel. All together, three separate women filed lawsuits related to the sexcapades, with the charges ranging from sexual harassment to assault. The hotel denied any wrong-doing, and claimed that the party in question was merely a gathering of hotel employees to celebrate the "completion of a large project" (I got a large project for you to bring to completion right here! Heyyyyoooo!).
One year later, the hotel chain is still working to repair its image. And in a bold move, they recently announced plans to change the name of the building from "Minneapolis Hilton Hotel" to "Awesomeness Headquarters of Minneapolis."
People from Iowa will f*** anywhere
You know how sometimes people have anxiety about peeing in public? Well last December, two people got busted banging in a handicapped stall inside the Metrodome (I'm not great at transitions. Whatever).
During a game between the Gophers and the Iowa University Hawkeyes, two fans decided that football was for chumps, and decided to take the action to the bathroom.
So far, a totally romantic story right? Here comes the twist.
Like all tragic romance stories, the cops broke things up and ticketed the duo before returning them to their respective significant others. Him to his girlfriend, and her to her husband.
Oh, I almost forgot. He was 26. She was 38. And she had three kids.
In the end, the woman apparently lost her job due to the incident and claimed that it ruined her life. On the plus side, it gave me the perfect premise for the romance novel I'm writing called, "Sexy Secrets of the Pissing Trough."
Male fish in the Mississippi are total pussies
This summer, a study by the U.S. Geographical Survey revealed that 73 percent of the male, smallmouth bass in the Mississippi River near Lake City are growing lady parts.
It's believed that chemical dumping has caused these male fish to become intersex, meaning they have too many sex organs. That's the bad news.
The good news is that the transgender fish porn industry is currently booming, allowing these fish to capitalize on their new found attributes and profit from the wrong-doings of man.
I'm a warped individual.
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