The Wet Spot: More sweet life advice from the erotic specialist


Question: What do me, Mystery and Greg Evigan from My Two Dads have in common?

Answer: We all give sweet life advice (and we all get by in life thanks to our sweet hair).

A couple of months back, I dropped some erotic knowledge for a few Wet Spot readers in need of my assistance. Now it's time to do it again. Let's change some more lives.

*Please note: As always, I have the utmost respect for the privacy of my readers. Therefore, I've changed their names to some of the greatest cast members in American Gladiators history (and not the "new" Gladiators. I'm talking about the real-deal, roid-raging, spandex wearing superstars of the 90's. I wonder what Mike Adamle is doing now?)

Dear Patrick,

My girlfriend caught me checking out some porn on the internet a couple of nights ago and got really upset. Now she's threatening to break up with me and I have no clue how to get her back. Any ideas?

-- Turbo

Dear Turbo,

Your first mistake was watching internet porn in a location where you could be easily caught by your girlfriend. I recommend that the next time you feel the urge for some online erotica; you take your laptop in the bathroom, turn on the shower and lock the door. This way, if your girlfriend walks in she will be far less likely to notice that you're watching internet porn, because she will be distracted by how creepy it is that you have a laptop in the bathroom. Also, the mist from the shower will make you feel like you're getting a "wet massage" in the Philippines. Or so I've heard.

As for getting your girlfriend back, just get addicted to hard drugs, head to rehab and find Jesus. It works every time.

Dear Patrick,

I just started dating a new guy that I'm really excited about, but he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. He says that he's only staying there until they can sell their house, but it freaks me out that he might not be totally over her. Am I just over thinking this whole thing?

-- Ice

Dear Ice,

You're definitely over-thinking this whole thing. He's not cheating on you. There is no attraction between him and his ex-girlfriend. You're the only woman he thinks about. Hillary Swank was better in The Next Karate Kid than Ralph Macchio ever was. One time I arm wrestled a panda bear, and then I skinned him after I won.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was making a list of things that are completely bat-shit crazy.

Have you never watched an episode of Rock of Love? A couple -- broken up or not -- cannot live together without eventually sleeping together. I used to live with my girlfriend, and then we broke up. Guess what happened? She caught me watching internet porn in the bathroom with the shower running and threatened to call the police if I didn't move out.

Hope this helps.

Dear Patrick,

Do you think the talent pool on this season of American Idol is better than the past few seasons? With the exception of Daughtry, there hasn't been a mega-star to come out of Idol for many years. Anyways, your thoughts on the newest group of hopefuls?

-- Nitro

Dear Nitro,

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Please don't ever email me again. Thanks.

Want me to drop some erotic knowledge on your face? Email me at [email protected].