What do Joey Buttafuoco, Verne Troyer and Vince Neil all have in common?
Two things - someday they will all stand up in my wedding, and they have all made hot celebrity sex tapes.
While watching celebrities bang is one of my top five favorite things in life (positioned between competitive eating and the Statue of Liberty scene in Ghostbusters 2), making a sex tape isn't something reserved for big time celebrities like Colin Farrell and Brandi C. from "Rock of Love." In fact, making a sex tape is an erotic rite of passage that everyone should partake in at least once in their life.
What's that? You've never made a sex tape? Don't worry - just follow my three-point checklist and you'll be on your way to amateur porn star status in no time. Let's do this.
1. Find a partner who you think will be fun to watch on tape later. Let's be honest - the best part of making a sex tape is watching it later (and by "later" I mean several years later after your girlfriend breaks up with you, gets married and Facebook messages you to make sure you destroyed the tape, which you assure her you did. Suck on that, Lindsey).
Sometimes you can tell that someone is going to be awesome on camera, and other times you need to give them a test run. As a word of advice, anyone that brags about their sexual prowess is going to absolutely suck on tape, while people (male or female) who still wear Scrunchies in their hair are going to be a sexual masters (Dog the Bounty Hunter, I'm looking in your direction).
2. Never let them know that you are filming them during sex. This point is debatable, as some people consider this to be a "crime." I, on the other hand, call this observing two people expressing their love for each other in their most natural habitat.
Face it; if someone knows they're being taped, they're going to be way more reserved and less likely to say something awesome like, "if you're videotaping this I swear I'll fucking kill you, Patrick." Now that's sex tape gold.
3. Make sure the person you're sleeping with won't embarrass you later on. This is a classic celebrity sex tape mistake. That guy who banged Chyna Doll? He has to answer questions daily about whether she's a male or female (watch the tape and you'll understand). Remember, Sex Tape 101 says "if you make a sex tape, bank on someone seeing it that you don't want to." Maybe it's your friends; maybe your parents (sorry mom) or maybe my main man Joe Francis. Regardless, you should know that your naked ass will likely get out into the public sooner or later. Make it count.
Sure, there are tons of other details that go into making a successful sex tape. Choosing the right angles, selecting the perfect background music (might I recommend "Axel F" by Harold Faltermeyer?) and perfecting your ultimate porn face. But half the fun of making a sex tape is the journey. That's why I'm just giving you the blueprint, and it's up to you to do the rest.
And just in case you're feeling nervous or guilty about making a sex tape with someone you either know and love, or someone you're just meeting for the first time, let me leave you with this:
Hitler never made a sex tape. Bret Michaels did. Who would you rather be like? I rest my case.