I considered telling her that the issue isn't that she is 28, but that she is loud, kind of bitchy and bares an unsettlingly strong resemblance to Tonya Harding. But instead, I decided to help her out.
She was going on and on, talking about how she tried eHarmony but all she met were dudes who wanted her to email nude pics of herself (on an unrelated note, I have since deleted my eHarmony account), and how the last bar she met a guy at was the Park Tavern and how he turned out to be, "like, way below her standards."
(Author's note: While she is my friend, she is sadly mistaken. The classiest guys in the world hang out at the Park Tavern. See you this weekend.)
Finally, I cut her off and told her about the single best place in the Twin Cities to find men or women -- the light rail.
The light rail is just one of many untapped erotic resources of the Twin Cities, crawling with hot singles just waiting to make a love connection. Hop aboard at any time, day or night, and you'll see that the light rail (or Love-Rail as I like to call it) is a melting pot of people from all backgrounds who are just begging for someone to sweep them off of their feet. To prove this point, this past weekend I spent a day riding the rails and laying some game on a few lucky, sexy ladies.
Stop 1: The pick-up line
The toughest part of any pick-up is breaking the ice. And the best way to break the ice? A sweet pick-up line.
Right after I boarded the train I struck up a conversation with one specific woman, attempting to incorporate elements of the light rail experience into my pick up line. I noticed that the woman was walking rather quickly when she got on, so I assumed she was very athletic.
Appropriate pick-up line: "Hey, think you can outrun me? Maybe we should find out at the next stop."
She spent the rest of the trip clutching her car keys between her fingers, balled up like she was ready to punch someone. I have to assume my sweet advances made her excited and she didn't know what to say. It happens.
Stop 2: Sharing common interests
The next thing you need to remember when it comes to making a love connection on the light rail is to pay close attention to what people are carrying with them during the trip. Use these subtle hints to establish common interests, making you even more appealing to your target.
Around the 46th Street stop, I noticed a woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties (my erotic wheelhouse) sitting with her young son and looking out the window. Around that same time, we were passing a public playground, and the little boy started pointing at the play equipment excitedly. My next move was clear.
Appropriate interest-sharing conversation starter: "Hey buddy! Do you like playgrounds? I do too! Maybe we could go play on that together sometime!" (Turning to his feisty mother) "I love kids, and I love playgrounds. Sometimes I just go hang out at playgrounds so that I can watch the kids play. I could watch kids play on playgrounds all day."
Get it? She has a kid; her kid loves playgrounds. By saying that I also love playgrounds, she can see how good I am with children, sparking even more interest in getting to know me better. Genius.
Before I could make my move, however, she grabbed her son and moved to the other side of car. I assume she was playing hard to get, but I had no time for extra work so I moved on.
Stop 3: Go for the close
The only bad thing about picking up a potential life partner on the light rail is that you're working with a limited time table. Once the ride is over, so is your mack-game. That means you have to be ready to go for the close.
By the time I made it to the Mall of America, I had managed to carry on a pretty successful conversation with a woman about my age who was carrying a suitcase, likely headed towards the airport (I'm sure she told me, but I didn't bother listening to what she had to say. I had game to run, after all).
As the doors opened, she said that she was happy to meet me, and maybe we'd bump into each other again someday.
Appropriate close: "Oh you'll see me again alright. A LOT sooner than you think."
That was a mistake on my part. I'm just too romantic for my own good.
This weekend, skip the bar and stay away from the internet. If you really want to find love, it just takes some smooth game and $1.75.