The Wet Spot: Locker room etiquette (a cautionary tale)

The Wet Spot: Locker room etiquette (a cautionary tale)
There's a reason why I don't workout. Actually, there are two reasons.

First, it's because I don't need to. My healthy routine of tanning, oiling up my abs and dancing on the beach while chicks roller skate around me has resulted in a body that can't be duplicated by lifting weights and running on a stupid treadmill.

(Author's note: On an unrelated topic, one time I hooked up with Mayim Bialik. It was just OK.)

The second reason: Locker rooms.

For most people, the locker room is a place to change your clothes, take a shower and store your belongings while exercising. For others, it's a naked paradise where anything goes and society's rules no longer apply.

There are a few unspoken rules of locker room etiquette by which all people should live. However, not everyone respects these rules like they should. This past Monday, I went to the gym and experienced three separate violations of proper locker room etiquette that have left me with permanent emotional damage -- which is why, out of concern for my readers, I must share my haunting tale with you. Brace yourself.

Violation #1: Carrying on a naked conversation for longer than three minutes

I had just walked into the locker room and sat down to change when some random dude started talking to me from behind.

"I hear it's supposed to snow this week."

Out of pure reflex, I turned my head to acknowledge him when BOOM - I caught a mountain of gray pubic hair sitting on display like a pelvic shield.

Let's take a second to grasp the situation. Some guy who I've never met before and probably will never see again (except in my nightmares) felt the need to strike up a convo with me about the weather while naked. How is this acceptable? And more importantly, did I really see a middle-aged man with an upside-down Dorito chip?

Trying to defuse the situation as quickly as possible, I gave him a friendly nod and went back to changing. And he continued talking.

I have no clue what came out of his mouth for the next two or three minutes, but I do know that he made no effort to mask the silver mountain of fur that was rustling just a few short feet away from my face. Finally, I finished changing, grabbed my towel and took off towards the showers. Did this stop him from talking? It did not. Did he continue to follow me (still naked) towards the showers? He did. Fortunately, he found someone else to strike up conversation with before we got there, allowing me to escape.

Violation #2: Washing your underwear in the locker room sink

Seriously. This really happened. I don't even need to provide any additional description. All I can say is that your underwear must be REALLY jacked up for you to look at them while changing and say, "Whoa, the shame of washing my underwear in the sink is way less than the shame of putting these back on."

Violation #3: Shield your kids' eyes

I got done showering and headed back to my locker so that I could leave for the evening.

While I was drying off, I could hear two kids running around and screaming while their dad stood by (naked, of course) talking to the same old guy who had chatted me up earlier (who was also still naked, by the way).

Doing my best to ignore the situation, I continued drying off and getting fired up to watch that evening's episode of I Love Money, when all of a sudden I noticed that the screaming had stopped and there was now complete silence.

Confused, I turned around and saw that both kids were now standing right next to me. Staring at my package. Intensely.

Now, let's just get a few things out in the open. I do not have an abnormally large or small package. I have done tremendous amounts of research on the subject and concluded that what I'm working with is fairly average, except that it grants wishes and tastes like ice cream (ladies). So I have no clue why my package was so intriguing to two young boys.

But they still continued to stare.

Truthfully, I can say that I have never felt as violated as I did for the approximately 47 seconds that these kids stared at me before I rushed out of the locker room. And the best part? The dad just kept on talking to his new pal, not caring that his children were sexually harassing another man. Way to go, parent of the year.

Look, I'm not saying that you need to avoid locker rooms altogether. But I ask you, as a public service to please pass this story along to your family and friends and make sure they understand the proper etiquette for using a health club locker room. If not for me, do it for the children. The perverted, perverted children.

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