Next thing I know, one of my female readers started talking all crazy, and commented that she would like to hear a woman's perspective on the issue.
That's when things went downhill.
I received a few comments and emails from women who respectfully disagreed with my comments last week. And while most of them were wrong (Ghostbusters 2 is clearly superior to the original), there was one email that especially got me going.
Now ordinarily I would just email back a dick pic and move on with life, but this week I've decided to be fair. Therefore, out of respect to my female readers, this week I'm letting the ladies have their moment and posting the email, along with my thoughts on what is "allegedly" a woman's perspective. Lock and load.
From: Candice Cameron (Note: No, it wasn't really written by DJ Tanner. But for anonymity sake, I'm going to call her that.)
Sent: Sun 2/01/09, 4:43 PM
To: Patrick Strait ([email protected])
Patrick, I am at a loss! As an absolute diehard advocate of open and honest sex I can't decide if I should applaud your weekly column or question your sanity having read this week's entry.
I like a good sex tape as much as the next single gal but honey, you just advised against telling your partner. Now, I don't want to be dramatic but this is not a "crime," it's a CRIME. Not only that, but taping someone during sex and not telling them sex is a terrible breach of trust.
(Patrick's feedback: I know that it's technically a CRIME, but apparently so is asking a waitress at Denny's to glory-hole you for $20. Sure, both are illegal but they're completely victimless. On an unrelated note, Mel, I apologize for Tuesday. I did not know you were 17. My bad.)
But, I digress. Since you took the time out of your busy day to enlighten the readers I thought it only fair that a female speak up. So, I wanted to share my checklist:
1. Choose a partner you trust, Allow your partner to trust you.
(Patrick's feedback: I completely agree. And the best way to build trust? Lying. The more lying you do, the more likely you are to look awesome while hiding anything negative about yourself.)
2. Be open with a partner about your fantasies, which will only enhance the encounters and you communication. The more open you are the more fantasies you could realize.
(Patrick's feedback: Fair enough. Most of my fantasies are about entering the underground world of professional arm wrestling Over the Top-style. This is why I turn my hat backwards before secretly videotaping sex. I think I may have missed your point.)
3. Since there is no way to be assured what a person may do later, make sure whatever risk you take is worth it. The result, no regrets.
(Patrick's feedback: I agree. I never want any of my partners to have regrets about anything they've done. Shame on the other hand I'm totally cool with.)
If actual porn is what you want, order it on satellite. Those actors know how to fake an orgasm almost as well I could during my marriage (oops, slipped out, see item #3).
(Patrick's feedback: Maybe your husband was faking it too. Also, he likely has a secret sex tape of you. Hope you faked it well.)
Here are my words of advice for YOU: "If you and your partner can't be talkin' about it, you shouldn't be doing it."
Candice, I appreciate your note and I thank you for your opinion. However, you are completely wrong and I'm pretty sure that the real reason you emailed me is because you want to hook up with me. Which is sad. And pathetic.
I think we should be together.