Here's the deal -
This Wednesday night I'll be hosting the first-ever Miss Wet Spot competition at Sinners in downtown Minneapolis. It's an amateur competition, meaning that any woman - regardless of age, shape or size - can hit the stage and work the pole in hopes of walking away with the most prestigious award in erotic entertainment history (and maybe even a gift card to Target!)
Now ladies, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "God I would love to compete in the competition, but since I've never danced before I think I'll just stay home and watch Snoop Dogg: Fatherhood on E!"
(Authors note: That's a good show. I recommend it. Just not this week.)
Don't worry; I'm about to hook you up.
In order to prepare all of the potential participants for their moment in the spotlight, I spent the week watching the movie Confessions of a Go-Go Girl on the Lifetime Network and compiling the important information you need to know before you pop that thang this week. Let's get started:
Follow your dreams
Having big dreams is crucial to becoming a successful stripper, as they will give you plenty of justification for your new profession.
For example, if your boyfriend/husband/child/baby daddy/etc. asks you why you sleep all day and always have a monster wad of cash, you should answer, "Why can't you be more supportive of my acting dreams?"
And then throw a champagne bottle across the room.
Dress the part
For any amateur dancer, it's all about creating the right first impression.
Many girls choose to stick with a theme, such as naughty school teacher (slutty outfit and thick black-rimmed glasses), naughty nurse (slutty outfit and stethoscope) or naughty Michele Bachmann (slutty outfit with mild mental handicap). Kidding!
(Authors note: Not kidding.)
In order to stand out, you need to think outside the box. Think about choosing an outfit that doesn't just look sexy, but actually makes you and the people watching feel sexy.
Kind of like Enrique Iglesias.
Choose the right song
I've got it! You should dance to "Pour Some Sugar on Me!" That would be awesome! Nobody has ever done that before!
Note to all Miss Wet Spot participants: Don't even think about it.
Song selection is a tricky thing. You want to choose a song that's easy to dance to, but also something that reflects your personality. To help you understand what certain jams say about your personality, I've put together a quick guide to stripper songs:
Song: "Shot Through the Heart," by Bon Jovi
Message: "I'm kind of past my prime, but I still think that I look hot up here. Oh, and I totally banged Richie Sambora back in '89. "
Song: "Closer," by Nine Inch Nails
Message: "I'm doing this for the money and only for the money. Lay one finger on me and I will bite your dick. Hard."
Song: "St. Elmo's Fire," by John Parr
Message: "Everyone in the crowd will be crying tears of joy by the end of my set because I am so awesome. I'm literally three seconds away from growing angel wings and flying around the room. I love you, Patrick Strait."
And I love you, imaginary stripper who loves John Parr music.
Regardless of what you wear, what you dance to or what your dreams happen to be, I recommend that every woman try exotic dancing at least once in her life. Why not try it this Wednesday?
Miss Wet Spot. Wednesday night. Sinners. 10 p.m. Dreams are about to come true.
Want to contact Patrick directly? Email him now at [email protected].