(*shotguns Coors Light, throws fist-pump*)
But this past weekend a few of my friends convinced me to put on pants, get off my couch and try something different for a change. Which is how I ended up at Apple River.
In case you've never heard of it, Apple River is this amazing (sort of gross) river in Somerset, Wisconsin where drunk people can spend several hours floating in a tube, getting bombed and flashing each other for Mardi Gras beads, beers and cigarettes (sort of like a sexy prison. Except in the water. And with slightly fewer shankings).
But just because it has all of the ingredients of a sweet-ass aqua-erotic oasis doesn't mean that you can just lay there and expect the action to come to you. You need to get your merman-game strong, and get ready to stand out as a true aqua-man amongst men. Let's get wet.
Hot tip #1: Choosing the right outfit
The first thing I noticed once I started floating down the river was that most of the guys were sporting the same, tired look; floral print swimsuit, wife beater and flip flops. Question for all of the female readers out there: Would you flash your gear at a guy who looks like that? Exactly.
There was one guy, however, that understood the importance of bringing a unique look to the river and decided to sport an official U of M one-piece wrestling singlet. And this wrestler knew how to party like a fireman.
I chatted him up for a few minutes, but he was already too deep in party mode to keep up a real conversation. By 12:30 in the afternoon he was already sporting some nasty tan lines, but it proved to be a worthwhile gamble as a steady stream of women stopped their tubes and rushed my new-found grappling partner to swoon over his manly apparel. He didn't even need a gimmick like beads, cocaine, or threats of physical violence (RAM JAM!) to get chicks to flash him, as they were proud to be partying with the wrestler.
Hot tip #2: Coining your catchphrase
The next thing I learned about Apple River is that there is a ton of action going on all around you, and if you want to be noticed, you got to make yourself stand out. So how do you stand out? With a rad catchphrase, of course.
It's a universally known fact that people love catchphrases, and on the river, the right catchphrase can be your ticket to superstardom.
(Author's note: I am personally responsible for coming up with numerous catchphrases throughout my lifetime, including this time in 11th grade when I was in gym class, and right before I schooled this kid in kickball I looked him in the face and said, "yippie kai yay, motherfucker." It was basically the coolest thing I've ever said. And it was all my idea. True story.)
For example, I saw one guy about an hour into the trip standing alone on the shore, drinking from a thermos and screaming "boner rock!" every time someone floated by. What does "boner rock" mean? I have no clue. But I do know that for the rest of the day, at any given time you could hear people up and down the river screaming this new hot catchphrase at one another.
Near the end of the trip, the guy actually floated by me, passed out on his tube, only to be awakened by 10 girls all screaming "boner rooooooock!" at him in unison. It was a thing of beauty and a lesson to us all.
Hot tip #3: If a cop is standing on the shore of the river, do NOT flash your junk at him and scream "boner rock!"
I had no idea how much this f'ing thing would cost me. Sucks.
Look, I know that the summer is almost over and fall will be here before you know it (which means the new Melrose Place starts soon!), but there is still plenty of time to rock faces off in the river. Just remember those two simple words: BONER. ROCK.
I love you.