The Wet Spot: Finding the ultimate strip club lunch

As you probably know, each year City Pages puts together the annual "Best Of" issue, showcasing everything awesome in the Twin Cities. While we're still a couple of months away from this year's issue, it's come to my attention that there is one particular category that has never been covered, and needs to be researched for the sake of classy gentlemen everywhere:

Best strip club lunch.

For many people the strip club is just a place to throw on a pair of sweatpants, sip a few Coors Lights (the official beer of Hanes sweatpants) and pretend to have a terminal illness in hopes of scoring a little sympathy grinding on a Tuesday night. But for others, the strip club is a midday escape from reality. A place where the fanciest executive and the fanciest Quiznos employee can sit together in darkness, enjoying a delicious and affordable meal while sporting a pair of sweatpants and claiming to have diphtheria for the sake of a free dance.

(Author's note: A quick belated happy birthday to my dad! Love you!)

But with so many strip clubs in our fine city, how will I be able to decide which one offers the best mid-afternoon cuisine? Check out my criteria.

I. Presentation

As is the case with any fine dining establishment, presentation is extremely important in evaluating the quality of a meal. Although I'm not necessarily a pro when it comes to the culinary arts, I can tell you one thing that I know screams class in any meal -- American flag toothpicks.

Think about it; how many times have you finished eating a delicious multi-course meal, only to think to yourself, "That meal was good, but it would have been way better if it would have been served to me by an eagle painted up like an American flag"? For me, it happens at least twice a week.

Once you throw an American flag toothpick in that BBQ pork sandwich, you've got a meal that will not only fill your stomach, but also your heart...with pride.

II. Variety

Every strip club seems to have the same lunch menu options: prime rib, steak, fish, Whopper Jr.

(Author's note: Upon further investigation, it turns out that the Burger King in Chanhassen does not double as a strip club. I'm sorry about the mix-up, cashier Kathy.)

Those are all good options, but what I'm looking for is a club with so much variety that it melts my face off with flavor (much like diphtheria. Clearly I do not understand this illness at all). This is a direct challenge to all Twin Cities strip clubs -- step up your menu.

Let's see someone offer a fondue lunch to go with my lap dance. Or maybe a Mexican fiesta platter to accompany the spicy stage show happening in front of my face. Or maybe a delicious all-you-can-eat hotdog bar so that I can get my Kobayashi on while watching my sweatpants expand. The possibilities are endless.

Serious warning/disclaimer: The Wet Spot does not recommend actually eating hotdogs at a strip club. Some things are too gross to even joke about. Unlike diphtheria.

III. Hotdog bars

Just to reiterate, don't eat at a strip club hotdog bar. It's fucking gross. Deja Vu, I'm looking in your direction.

As my duty to the brave men and women all across the Twin Cities, I'll be hitting up as many strip club lunches as I can in the coming weeks, taking notes and deciding who truly has the best strip club lunch in town. However, if you would like to offer your own suggestions, feel free to leave a comment, hit me up on Twitter or email me at [email protected]. Unless your suggestion involves hotdogs. In which case you'll probably be dead before the "Best Of" issue comes out anyways so don't bother voting.