With the holiday shopping season kicking off this Friday, people have been asking me lately, "Patrick, what should I get for my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/baby daddy/baby mama/boo/OPP this year?"
While I usually just pick up a bunch of six-packs of Coors Light (the official beer of yuletide awesomeness) and DVD copies of Teen Wolf (Michael J. Fox's greatest work...and yeah, I'm including Back to the Future), this year I decided to hit up some of the Twin Cities' finest sex shops to find the best, and worst, in erotic holiday gift ideas.
Let's do this...
Awesome erotic gift idea: G.I.L.F blow-up doll (Lickety Split, $28.99)
The G.I.L.F, or, granny I'd like to fill (you get the idea), is just one of many fantastic plastic sex dolls available. It might feel weird at first, inserting yourself into a cold plastic hole, but I can assure you that after four or five times it won't even phase you (from what I've heard. Not that I've tried it, of course).
Best of all, the G.I.L.F offers not one, not two but THREE realistic-feeling holes, adding some much-needed variety to your masturbatory habits. How real does it feel? VERY REAL (again, just from what I've heard. No personal experience here).
A word of caution about the G.I.L.F or any other blow-up doll - be sure to clean each hole thoroughly after use, so as to avoid built-up deposit. Trust me, this is a bitch to try and clean later on (once again, just...whatever. Don't judge me).
Terrible erotic gift idea:
It sounds like a good idea.
What's not to like? It's holiday-themed, has testicles and tastes like candy. Sounds like a winner, right? Wrong. Think about this:
Let's say you have a small child in your home who stumbles across said-holiday cock-pop. It looks like a delicious candy treat (because it is) and so they pop it in their mouth. 18 years later, your kid is blowing some random dude (me) for rock outside of the Skyway Lounge. And who's to blame? You - the giver of the cock-pop.
Plus, it's totally false advertising. I tried it, and I can honestly say that my balls taste nothing like candy (or do they?).
Awesome erotic gift idea: OhMiBod - iPod compatible vibrator (
Let's just be honest; who hasn't climaxed to the sweet sounds of Steve Winwood? Exactly.
With the OhMiBod musical vibrator, you can FEEL the "higher love," vibrating along with the music in your iPod. This is the perfect gift for anyone who prefers to touch themselves while listening to music, as opposed to those who revel in the shameful silence.
Terrible erotic gift idea: Condoms (CVS Pharmacy, $7.95)
Why would anyone appreciate getting condoms as a present? They feel awful and totally ruin the erotic vibe (Tell me that I'm lying. Go ahead, say it. That's what I thought).
Do like I do - just say no to condoms. Kidding!
(Authors note: Not kidd-- oh, this is probably a liability.)
Awesome erotic gift idea: Footloose DVD (Best Buy, $12.99)
What's erotic about Footloose? If you've ever seen it then you know the answer.
If you haven't, I have four words for you: Kevin Bacon, warehouse dance. You're welcome.
No matter who you're shopping for this holiday season, the possibilities are endless. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dancing to attend to.