Have you ever caught yourself sitting around your living room thinking, “Hey, maybe I should solicit some sex on the Internet?”
Stop lying. Of course you have.
Every day, horny men and women from all across the Twin Cities look to the cyber-world in search of a sexual partner to help them fulfill their shallow yet all too necessary needs. Some people try and justify their actions by calling these sex spots “dating sites,” with classy names like Match or eHarmony along with the virtual love oasis known as MySpace (shout-out to all my barely-legal readers!).
But there’s one site out there that destroys all the rest -- one that features thousands of singles looking for nothing more than an evening of hot, discrete banging (classy!). Of course, I’m talking about Craigslist.
For those unaware of this interweb honeypot of potential random sex partners, Craigslist features a section called “Casual Encounters,” where people post anonymous ads looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex (of course all this sh*t has acronyms!).
Admittedly, I didn’t know this treasure chest of erotica even existed until one of my friends told me all about a recent experience that he had with a “gremlin looking bitch” he met online and later hooked up with in a Perkins parking lot.
He sold me. I needed to see these ads for myself.
I started by searching the site for women seeking men, where I was shocked to find over 3,000 entries by unapologetically horny ladies in the Minneapolis area. Apparently, dick is the new pussy.
Just as you might expect, there were nearly quadruple the number of entries for men seeking women, those virile bastards.
Just over 11,800 listings popped up in the Twin Cities, with titles like, “Married man seeking web fun!” and “Looking for people to pee on me,” jumping off the screen with screams of desperation worse than those of any douche bag you’ll see at Chino Latino on a Saturday night.
As I continued reading these postings, I noticed a few consistent themes that are obviously key to penning a successful sex-peddling inquiry.
1) Never use proper grammar, punctuation or capitalization. The lack of attention to detail demonstrates the passion and urgency in which you need to get laid.
2) Always include a dick pic with your profile. Women will totally appreciate seeing a shot of your hairy, uncircumcised package that you took with your camera phone. My friend informs me that he has several on file.
3) Keep an open mind. Most postings end with the line, “Age and looks open.” This demonstrates that you are not opposed to getting down with women of any size, shape or mental capacity.
1) Just post something. Anything. Guys don’t need to be persuaded.
After several hours of examining the best and brightest in online sex partners, I decided that I had to try it myself.
That’s why this weekend I will be posting two different ads on Casual Encounters – one as a man, one as a woman.
Next week, I’ll give you the full review along with tips for answering a Casual Encounters ad. I will also try and sneak in a dick pic. Kidding!
(Authors note: Not kidding.)
And in case you forgot; it’s hunting weekend. This is going to be good.