The Wet Spot: Cougar hunting

Look; let's not make this weird.

For whatever reason, over the past couple of years the term "cougar" has become cool. What's that? You don't know what a cougar is? Don't worry; Uncle Patrick has got you covered.

(Author's note: By the way, I've started calling myself "Uncle Patrick" a lot lately, because I think it makes me sound sexy-dangerous. Like a sexy, dangerous cowboy that wears Axe Body Spray and plays air guitar. Except less likely to be on the sex offenders list.)

A cougar, by my definition, refers to a woman over the age of 35 (or 40 depending on who you ask) that goes out looking for younger dudes to prey on to fulfill their mature urges. While cougars have been around for a long time, they have become increasingly popular over the past few years thanks to the antics of high-profile cougars like Demi Moore, Linda Hogan and Debbie Rowe.

So what does this have to do with you? Great question.

Did you know that according to the U.P.A.O.A.S.A.C. (Uncle Patrick Association of Awesome Statistics About Cougars) that Minnesota is one of the top five largest cougar hunting locations IN THE WORLD? Gentleman; welcome to the jungle.

Tracking your prey

The first step in attracting a cougar is finding their feeding grounds. For most cougars, they prefer to live like one of the Sex in the City chicks, but without actually venturing into a major urban area. That's why you should be scouting suburban chain restaurants like Applebee's or Friday's, or any other restaurant that chooses to end its name in an apostrophe "s."

These spots are way less threatening for cougars because the chances of younger, less used-up looking chicks showing up to steal their prey are slim. Also, because they serve low price martini's along with mozzarella sticks (the two major food groups of the cougar).

Approaching the cougar

Guys, be careful. Approaching a cougar is an art form that requires years of practice, and if done improperly, can lead to death or serious injury.

Most cougars that seriously pursue younger guys don't need to be finessed all that much. The fact that a guy who is significantly younger than themselves is obviously interested in usually enough to close the deal. But there are exceptions.

Occasionally, cougars will have an ulterior motive. Maybe they have kids who need a strong male role model (and what says "strong male role model" better than a 20-something-year-old dude hooking up with a middle-aged woman?), and they see you as the gateway to their kids having a better life. Maybe they have a crazy ex-husband who they want to make jealous. Or maybe they just want to steal your kidneys and they think that flirting is the best way to lure you back to their black market operating room.

(Author's note: A quick hello and happy birthday to my mom! Miss you!)

All I'm saying is that when approaching a cougar, state your intentions early. For example:

Cougar: Hey baby, you wanna buy me a drink?
Patrick You: Not really. Are you going to steal my kidneys?
Cougar: Probably, but I'm going to rock your wooooooorld first.
You: I love you.

Trust me.

Have an exit strategy

So you successfully netted a cougar. Congratulations! Now it's time for you to meet her kids and make plans for the future!

This is the best part of cougar hunting: the long-term commitment.

Kidding! Time for your escape.

In most cases, a cougar will want even less to do with you than you than you do with her after a strange, passionate night of reenacting How Stella Got Her Groove Back. But occasionally, she's going to be looking for a commitment, like a second date or taking her kids to the zoo. So how do you protect yourself from these situations? Easy; beat her at her own game.

Fabricate some fantastic story about how you're actually a 13-year-old boy in a 27-year-old man's body, and how you were accidentally trapped there by a mechanical genie and now you can't escape.

Either you'll be able to walk away without ever having to see the cougar again, or you'll have to take her kids to a toy store and play "Heart and Soul" with Robert Loggia. Either way, you're the big winner.

Is it dangerous? It is. Are their risks? There are. Is it awesome? Absolutely. Just remember--before you go cougar hunting, be sure to cover all of your bases and be prepared to think on the fly. Now, if you'll excuse me Elizabeth Perkins is waiting in my bunk bed and I need to go have an awkward sexual experience.