The Wet Spot: Coping with mind-f*ck impotency
Get it? It's a limp noodle! See how I made that connection? God I'm clever! Amiright?
Photo by avlxyz
This is a real phone conversation I had with a friend of mine this past weekend.
Joe Esposito: Hey what's up man? It's Joe Esposito (not his real name, as it has been changed to protect his true identity. And because I've been dying to include a YouTube link to "You're the Best" for months. Enjoy). What are you up to?
Me: Doing some one armed push-ups.
Joe Esposito: Sweet, so my dick isn't working and I have no clue why.
And so began my Sunday afternoon.
Now, all jokes aside, if a dude tells you that his unit is malfunctioning, you don't take that lightly. So I dug deeper.
It turns out that Joe had been dating a new girl for about a month, and they had just recently decided to start having sex. Apparently, he tried--and failed--to make it work three times over the past week, and was starting to get freaked.
At first I assumed that this was probably just a fluke-thing, caused by something stupid like the room being too cold, or Joe being too drunk, or this girl trying to make him use condoms.
(Author's note: Condoms kill more people than they save. Trust me on this; I know shit.)
But after a few more minutes it became clear that Joe was suffering from a condition that most men have experienced at least once in their lives: Mind-f*ck impotency.
For all you female readers who don't know what I'm talking about (or the guys that are lying to themselves), mind-f*ck impotency is a condition where a man has one unsuccessful sexual experience, and the memory messes with his brain to the point that he can't perform for the next several days or weeks.
Guys, you know exactly what I'm talking about. No matter who the girl is, no matter what the situation, once you have that one bad outing, it takes a lot to break through the mental block and get back on track. Sure, you may feel things starting to work at first, but all of a sudden you start letting your brain get the best of you with thoughts like, "Oh man, I really hope everything keeps working. I can't have another flaccid performance or this girl will definitely tell her friends that I suck in bed, and then I'll end up naked on my couch at age 27, writing an erotic specialty column about this experience and crying while sipping a Coors light (the official beer of impotency). "
Now, there are tons of theories on how to solve this problem. Some guys will try to get so drunk before the next time they have sex that they won't be able to mind-f*ck themselves. Some dudes go the opposite route and try to stay completely sober before their next time in order to have full use of their senses. And some guys try locking themselves in their girlfriend's bathroom, lying on the floor and using a bottle of hand soap to try and get things started on their own.
(Author's note: Don't judge me--you do what you got to do in these situations. Plus college was a weird period for me. Let's move on.)
So what advice did I give Joe to help him resolve this serious ailment? What golden knowledge did I drop on him to help him achieve his sexually comeback?
Nothing. Because I don't know.
Even I, the Erotic Specialist, don't have a tried-and-true answer for overcoming mind-f*ck impotency. Which is why for once, I'm coming to you not to provide advice, but to ask for it.
I want your tips, tricks and ideas for overcoming mind-f*ck impotency that I can share both with Joe Esposito as well as the world. You can either drop them in the comments below to share with the world, or you can email me direct at firstname.lastname@example.org. Either way, the sexual fate of Joe Esposito is in your hands and I ask you to please help this man to beat this crippling disease.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene each week with music news, trends, artist interviews and concert listings. We'll also send you special ticket offers and music deals.