The economy is garbage, pigs are coughing on people causing the downfall of society and somehow Vin Diesel is a big star again. I think it's safe to say that we all need a little...release.
Good news--help has arrived.
Today is May 1, which means that it is the first day of National Masturbation Month. And to start things off with a bang, this Saturday people from all across the globe will join together for the 2009 Masturbate-a-thon!
I swear I'm not making this up.
Before we get into the event itself, allow me to answer a few of your most obvious questions about National Masturbation Month as a whole:
Wait, National Masturbation Month? Isn't that just something you made up when you were in high school because you got caught jerking off to Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That?
At the time, yes. But in 1995 it became a real, official event thanks to Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders and a sex shop called "Good Vibrations" in San Francisco. And to clarify, I wasn't jerking off to Rachel Leigh Cook. I just watched that movie a lot.
Also, Freddie Prinze Jr. is a good actor.
OK, so why did they decide to dedicate an entire month to masturbation?
I have no idea. Why do people eat birthday cake? Why do they make illegal fireworks? How come Heart is so popular?
Because they're awesome. That's why.
Fine, but who actually celebrates National Masturbation Month?
Glad you asked. First thing, the answer is everyone. Even if you didn't know about this holiday, I'm going to guess you'll probably do your fair share of celebrating (stop lying).
But to be more specific, it turns out that the folks who founded this glorious month took it one step further and created their own Masturbation Hall of Fame, honoring those who've made the world a little more masturbation-positive. This list includes Claire Danes (for giving me something to dream about during my own self-discovery at age 15) and Roseanne Barr (for giving me something to dream about at age 25. Don't judge me), along with Minnesota's erotic icon Prince (self-explanatory) and City Pages' very own Dan Savage (reach for the stars, friend).
Not on the list: Freddie Prinze Jr. (because he has so many chicks around him at all times that he has no energy left to masturbate. God bless you, Freddie)
Now that you have the background, let's get down to the task at - or in - hand (it was a pun! Get it? Get it? God I'm clever).
The Masturbate-a-thon is a two day event that takes place each year during the first weekend of May. It was started in 1998, and the premise was that participants would get their friends and family members to pledge money for each minute they masturbated. Obviously this was completely based on the honor system, but who is going to cheat when it comes to manually taking care of business?
Then in 2000, a group called The Center for Sex & Culture decided to host a live Masturbate-a-thon event to raise funds for their organization, which is a non-profit organization devoted to positive sex education for adults. Each year, more and more people have joined in the excitement and the event has grown to include live webcasts, performances and competitions. In fact, there have been several world records set at this event:
- Female: 6 h, 30 min (Norine Dworkin, San Francisco, 2004)
- Male: 8 h, 30 min (San Francisco, 2006)
- Female: 49 (London, 2006)
- Male: 6 (London, 2006)
(Author's note: Who wants to bet that the time record holder was drinking Mountain Dew and playing World of Warcraft at the same time?)
So how can you participate in the big event this Saturday? Well, you could book a flight right now and head out to California for the live event, or you can enjoy the event from the comfort of your home.
There is a pledge form available to download online, and I recommend spending the rest of your day approaching your co-workers about donating to your cause. There is also going to be an online video feed from the event, so you'll have plenty to keep you motivated.
Be a part of history this weekend. I mean, you were probably planning on masturbating for 8 hours and 31 minutes anyways; why not do it for a cause?