Friday, April 24, 2009 at 2:11 p.m.
I love awards.
I can't really explain it, it's just something I've always gotten excited about. The Oscars? Awesome. Grammys? Rad. Kids Choice Awards? Fantastic.
Which is why it's no surprise that I was super excited to pick up this week's special "Best of the Twin Cities" issue of City Pages. And it did not disappoint.
With literally hundreds of awards given out to the best restaurants, bars, media personalities and other pillars of awesomeness in our town, the "Best of" issue is an award lover's dream.
And then -- watch out -- I got inspired.
In the spirit of recognizing the best of the best (much like Top Gun) in the Twin Cities, I've decided to hand out a few awards of my own. I proudly bring you, the Wet Spot Awards.
That's right; I sat down this week with an expert panel of erotic consultants and selected the most erotic people and places around the Twin Cities in 10 separate categories, including the highly coveted, "Most Erotic Politician" and "Most Erotic Statue."
(Author's note: By "erotic consultants" I mean that I drank a bunch of Coors Light (official beer of the Wet Spot Awards) and watched an entire season of Family Ties on DVD. Then I said to myself, "What would Michael Gross do?" Not surprisingly, this is how I make most of my important life decisions.)
Whether you agree with these choices or not just remember - Steve Keaton was an intelligent, free-thinking individual and he would never steer you wrong. Sha-na-na-na.
The envelope please... (Click here for the abbreviated slideshow version).
Most Erotic Politician: Rep. Carlos Mariani
This might have been the toughest category of them all. Senator Lawrence Pogemiller was an early frontrunner, thanks to his striking resemblance to Daniel Stern (the most erotic character in Home Alone, might I add). But in the end it is Mariani who takes home the award. Is it his sexy, mysterious name? Perhaps the hoop earring? Sure, both are hot, but pale in comparison to the one thing that made him stand out in my eyes; his turtleneck. Most politicians would have chosen a tie for this picture that screamed, "Check me out. I'm a respected politician. Definitely have never killed a hooker and buried her under my kids' swing set. No way." But Mariani? He was all like, "What's up bitches? Yeah, I broke out my sweet turtleneck in the middle of the summer. Know why? To cover up all the love bites on my neck from the ladies. Now let's go drink some Sparks and listen to Billy Ocean."
Best Pearl Necklace: Michele Bachmann
The one is obvious and it goes to certified R.I.L.F Michele Bachmann, who I think we can all agree looks great wearing a pearl necklace. I can't think of another woman on this planet that looks as good wearing a pearl necklace as Michele does. And of course, Michele loves wearing the pearl necklace as much as we love seeing her in it. Don't believe me? Do a Google search for "Michele Bachmann pearl necklace" and see what you get (God knows I have. So, so many times).
Most Erotic Statue: Hiawatha Carrying Nokomis Statue, Minnehaha Park
The upset of the year! Suck it, Mary Tyler Moore statue. Go back to spraying water, spoon and cherry. There's a new erotic statue sheriff in town. While I admittedly don't know the exact historical significance behind the Hiawatha carrying Nokomis statue, I can tell you that I chose it because it is nearly the identical pose as the movie poster for
The Judd Nelson Wet Spot Lifetime Achievement Award: Judd Nelson
Dear Mr. Nelson: We accept the fact that your career unfairly came to a halt in the mid-80's, shortly after the success of The Breakfast Club. But, we think you're crazy to have gone from make such erotic masterpieces to spending three (3!?!) seasons playing second fiddle to Brooke Shields on the awful 90's sitcom, Suddenly Susan. Your entire career, people have tried to label you as they want to label you: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient and non-erotic definitions. But, what we found out is that you are not just one thing, you are: A guy with amazing hair...and an erotic pioneer...and a guy who maybe tag-teamed Demi Moore with Emilio Estevez.
The Erotic Specialist