See, as a sexy and mysterious gentleman I have quite a few acquaintances. The problem is that ever since I started getting older, all of my friends started getting into relationships, getting married, and becoming increasingly lame.
What I'm trying to say is - I have no more bros.
Don't get me wrong; I have plenty of male friends. Guys I've been friends with since high school, guys I've been friends with since college and even one guy who Pauly Shore and I found frozen in the block of ice.
But what I don't have are any rad, single, dude-friends with sweet-ass nicknames who call each other "bro" all the time and get into crazy adventures. After watching a few more episodes, my mission became clear:
Time for a bro-hunt.
The Hunting Grounds
The key to any successful bro-hunt is choosing the right location. Sure, you can find dudes at pretty much any sports bar, strip club or yoga studio in the Twin Cities, but you can't go and strike up a convo with some random bros just anywhere.
You need to find places to approach guys where they feel totally non-weird and open to chatting it up with a new potential bro.
My recommendation? Public restrooms.
I like to approach dudes in public restrooms because it's quiet, intimate and you can really strike up some solid conversation. The best part? It's totally not weird. I mean, we all got to drain the lizard, amiright?
The Pick-Up Line
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "That's a good plan, but how do I open the conversation?" Great question.
I like to go in with a few pre-determined conversation points that all bros will be interested in while standing shoulder-to-shoulder at the urinal. Here are a few ideas:
Brotastic Ice-Breaker #1: "What's up dude? You a fan of magic?"
Message: I know tons of sweet magic like David Blaine and will share my wisdom with you if we become bros.
Brotastic Ice-Breaker #2: "Hey brother, you know what's hot? Motherfucking tigers."
Message: I'm kind of dangerous and badass, meaning that I would be an excellent addition to any bro-crew you may already belong to. Also, Siegfried and Roy are TIGHT.
Brotastic Ice-Breaker #3: "You ever kiss another dude in a public bathroom? ME NEITHER!"
Message: I'm a funny dude who has never tried to kiss another dude in a public bathroom. Also, Siegfried and Roy are TIGHT.
Trust me; you open up the set and the bros will flow.
Closing the Bro
Now that you've found a bro and got him hooked, it's time to reel him in.
Closing a bro can be a tricky thing, as you need to be careful not to come off as too clingy, but still let him know that you're interested in future hang out sessions.
There are two important words you should remember for successfully completing this step: casual contact.
Nothing crazy, nothing weird. Just a small, casual, affectionate touch that lets your new found bro-ham know that you want to see him again. Maybe it's a high five. Maybe a chest bump. Then there's my personal favorite; the face touch. Hear me out.
Don't go caressing the guy's face or anything. I'm just saying that a manly, non-weird face-cradling may be the way to tell a dude, "Hey, I think we could get into a lot of sweet adventures together. We should live a sweet Hollywood lifestyle where you call me bro all the time and everything miraculously works out for us in the end."
Be forewarned that the guy may get weirded out a little at first. That's why it's important that you hold his face firmly in place - using both hands if necessary - and make him see how serious you are about your future relationship.
Guys love the idea of other guys holding them down and making a solid bro-connection through casual physical contact and body language, so don't be afraid to really get in there and take control.
Look, potential bros, there's no reason for us to beat around the bush. I want to party with you, and trust me when I tell you that I would be an awesome addition to any entourage. So we can do this the easy way (email me at [email protected] and tell me why you and I should be bros), or we can do this the hard way (I will creep up on you in the bathroom of William's this weekend and talk to you about magic until you cave. Don't test me). The choice is yours.