The ultimate Thanksgiving survival guide

Hey kids! Want to know a fun fact about Thanksgiving?

It destroys lives.

Thanksgiving is the single most dangerous holiday of the year. Every year, hundreds of families are ripped apart on a day that portrays itself to be all about things like "thanks" and "giving" and "interracial porn."

(Author's note: I know that interracial porn and Thanksgiving don't technically have anything in common, but there's nothing like some good interracial porn to help spice up a party! Amiright?)

Maybe it's being trapped with your entire family in a confined space for too long. Maybe it's the constant judgment being laid down by your parents while you're trying to help them with dinner. Or maybe you're just a bitter person who hates turkey (and likely, America) and chooses to displace anger on to everyone else at the dinner table. Whatever the reason, there is a good chance that sometime in the next 24-48 hours, you're going to end up in a kill-or-be-killed scenario with your family members, as the curse of Thanksgiving will undoubtedly cast it's evil shadow over your holiday get together.

Don't be a victim. Follow my survival guide and make it through this dangerous, delicious holiday in one piece. Time to bring the pain.

Survival tip #1: Never be the drunkest one at the party

You've know how the cliché goes.

Guy enters into uncomfortable holiday gathering. Guy proceeds to drink himself into the "so drunk I'll try to bone the light socket" mindset. Guy mouths off to family. Family disowns guy. Guy moves to Minnesota and begins writing erotic column for alt-weekly, plotting his Thanksgiving revenge.

What I'm trying to say is that you're going to be drinking this Thanksgiving. That's a given. But no matter how plowed you get, it's important to make sure that someone gets even more blasted than you are. The football game, the dinner, and even the arguments that happen on Thanksgiving are usually forgotten before you ever even leave the house. But who was the drunkest one in the room on Thanksgiving? That memory never fades. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick experiment:

Question: What was the score of the Lions game last Thanksgiving?

Answer: No clue.

Question: Who got so piss drunk on Coors Light (the official beer of pilgrims) last Thanksgiving that he passed out in the bathroom at 5:30 at night and woke up the following morning completely naked on his parent's living room couch?

Answer: Me.

(Author's note: I wish that was a joke. As does my 19-year-old sister who found me. I'm a complete disaster.)

Survival tip #2: Learn something about football

I get it, football isn't for everyone. But the fact of the matter is that you're likely going to have to make small talk with a bunch of family members who you don't really care for, and the game will definitely be on TV. My advice? Learn a few basic talking points about football so that you can get through the small talk as quickly and efficiently as possible. To help you get started, here are a few points that you should write down and bring with you this Thursday:

"I can't believe the Lions won last week. Wouldn't it be crazy if they made it two in a row on Thanksgiving Day?"

"Wow, those Dallas Cowboys are really falling apart this season. Don't you think?"

"I'd rather shoot myself in the face then spend one more day living under your roof, mom! Why don't you stop spending so much time telling me about what a disappointment I am and start thinking about why you're such a MF'ing pill head!? Oh, and by the way; I'm gay. So suck on that."

See? Sports talk is easy. Go ahead and give those a shot on game day and you'll be in the clear.

Survival tip #3: Never bring a new boyfriend/girlfriend/baby mama to meet your family for the first time on Thanksgiving

This is a mistake that no one ever makes twice.

Sure, there's the fact that at least one family member will ask when you're getting married, but that's just the beginning.

Every family has that one member who I affectionately refer to as, "Captain Sexual Harassment." The Captain can be either a male or a female, and they immediately feel the need to drop a bunch of inappropriate touches and comments on your guest. Your new partner, feeling the need to fit in, will not protest these advances and choose to just accept it, in hopes of getting in your family's good graces.

One year, I brought my girlfriend to Thanksgiving to meet my family for the first time and my uncle (who was the drunkest one at the party, by the way), cornered her for almost 20 minutes in the kitchen. I have no clue what the conversation was about, but he started every sentence with, "My nephew can't know what to do with a woman like you."

I was in high school. My girlfriend was 16.

After that, it was pretty much downhill for that relationship. The same will happen to you if you're not careful.

Look, take my advice or don't take my advice; the choice is yours. All I'm saying is that you are about to walk directly into the holiday warzone. Don't go into battle unprepared.