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The depressing music acts willing to play Trump's depressing Inauguration, ranked

The leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen.

The leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen. Associated Press

As we've previously reported, enlisting entertainers for Thursday and Friday's Inauguration festivities proved to be a tough sell. Sir Elton John, Celine Dion, Garth Brooks, and KISS frontman Gene Simmons all declined to perform. B-Street band, a Springsteen cover band, briefly signed on and then dropped out

President-elect Donald Trump need not despair, though, as the Inaugural committee managed to cobble together a veritable county fair's worth of music acts. He's clearly pumped: 

You won't find Aretha Franklin or Beyoncé, both of whom played at President Barack Obama's Inaugurations, but you will find a sufficiently WTF soundtrack to the opening salvo of our four-year national nightmare.

So fuck it, let's rank 'em. 

1. Sam Moore -- The living half of '60s R&B/soul duo Sam & Dave is a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. 

2. Chrisette Michele -- The Grammy-winning R&B star, 34, has collaborated with Jay-Z (noted pal of Obama), the Roots, and John Legend. Roots drummer Questlove offered to pay her to not perform.

3. Toby Keith -- Say what you will of his boot-in-ass diplomacy, Keith is a legitimate country star (though not much of a restaurateur). Plus, he was funny in 2008's A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! 

4. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir -- "I could never 'throw roses to Hitler.' And I certainly could never sing for him," wrote one member who quit in protest. But they've got 300-plus other singers, and they're probably good at what they do. 

5. Travis Greene -- Predictably, God played a major role in convincing this 33-year-old, Grammy-winning gospel hitmaker to sing for Trump. 

6. Jackie Evancho -- Like our future president, Evancho transfixed the country on reality TV (in her case, America's Got Talent). The 16-year-old operatic pop star has chops. 

7. The Great Talladega College Tornado Marching Band -- More than $600,000 was crowd-funded to send this historically black college's marching band to Washington, D.C. Fox News personality and recently alleged sexual harasser Bill O'Reilly calls their presence "a repudiation of race-baiters."

8. The Rockettes -- Sure, whatever. 

9. The Piano Guys -- This classical quartet got famous via YouTube covers; here's their interpretation of a song from Frozen with more than 70 million views. 

10. Big & Rich -- "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" is on par with Trump's level of sexual tact. 

11. Tim Rushlow/The Frontmen of Country -- Former Little Texas singer Rushlow -- the force behind mega-schmaltz country hit "She Misses Him" -- will perform solo and with his band featuring Lonestar‘s Richie McDonald and Restless Heart‘s Larry Stewart.

12. Lee Greenwood -- Republican election wins have meant paydays for the "God Bless the USA" scribe going back decades. 

13. DJ Ravidrums -- Remember Howie Mandel's short-lived practical joke reality TV series, Howie Do It? No? Well, anyway, Ravidrums served as music director. 

14. Tony Orlando -- You might remember him from such Simpsons gags as Let's Save Tony Orlando's House starring Troy McClure

15. 3 Doors Down -- The CEO of Carl's Jr./Hardee's is nominated to be our Labor Secretary; pro-wrestling tycoon Linda McMahon will lead the Small Business Administration; tired butt-rock heavyweights 3 Doors Down are set to rock the Inauguration. The cultural makeup of the Trump coalition is consistent. 

Watch a live-stream of the Pre-Inauguration Concert beginning 3 p.m. Thu.