As we've previously reported, enlisting entertainers for Thursday and Friday's Inauguration festivities proved to be a tough sell. Sir Elton John, Celine Dion, Garth Brooks, and KISS frontman Gene Simmons all declined to perform. B-Street band, a Springsteen cover band, briefly signed on and then dropped out.
President-elect Donald Trump need not despair, though, as the Inaugural committee managed to cobble together a veritable county fair's worth of music acts. He's clearly pumped:
Great Concert at 4:00 P.M. today at Lincoln Memorial. Enjoy!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 19, 2017
You won't find Aretha Franklin or Beyoncé, both of whom played at President Barack Obama's Inaugurations, but you will find a sufficiently WTF soundtrack to the opening salvo of our four-year national nightmare.
So fuck it, let's rank 'em.
1. Sam Moore -- The living half of '60s R&B/soul duo Sam & Dave is a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer.
3. Toby Keith -- Say what you will of his boot-in-ass diplomacy, Keith is a legitimate country star (though not much of a restaurateur). Plus, he was funny in 2008's A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!
4. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir -- "I could never 'throw roses to Hitler.' And I certainly could never sing for him," wrote one member who quit in protest. But they've got 300-plus other singers, and they're probably good at what they do.
5. Travis Greene -- Predictably, God played a major role in convincing this 33-year-old, Grammy-winning gospel hitmaker to sing for Trump.
6. Jackie Evancho -- Like our future president, Evancho transfixed the country on reality TV (in her case, America's Got Talent). The 16-year-old operatic pop star has chops.
7. The Great Talladega College Tornado Marching Band -- More than $600,000 was crowd-funded to send this historically black college's marching band to Washington, D.C. Fox News personality and recently alleged sexual harasser Bill O'Reilly calls their presence "a repudiation of race-baiters."
8. The Rockettes -- Sure, whatever.
9. The Piano Guys -- This classical quartet got famous via YouTube covers; here's their interpretation of a song from Frozen with more than 70 million views.
10. Big & Rich -- "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" is on par with Trump's level of sexual tact.
11. Tim Rushlow/The Frontmen of Country -- Former Little Texas singer Rushlow -- the force behind mega-schmaltz country hit "She Misses Him" -- will perform solo and with his band featuring Lonestar‘s Richie McDonald and Restless Heart‘s Larry Stewart.
12. Lee Greenwood -- Republican election wins have meant paydays for the "God Bless the USA" scribe going back decades.
13. DJ Ravidrums -- Remember Howie Mandel's short-lived practical joke reality TV series, Howie Do It? No? Well, anyway, Ravidrums served as music director.
14. Tony Orlando -- You might remember him from such Simpsons gags as Let's Save Tony Orlando's House starring Troy McClure.
15. 3 Doors Down -- The CEO of Carl's Jr./Hardee's is nominated to be our Labor Secretary; pro-wrestling tycoon Linda McMahon will lead the Small Business Administration; tired butt-rock heavyweights 3 Doors Down are set to rock the Inauguration. The cultural makeup of the Trump coalition is consistent.
Watch a live-stream of the Pre-Inauguration Concert beginning 3 p.m. Thu.