Here at Gimme Noise, our offices are choked with promotional CD's. Like corpses on the Ganges, they drift into our mailboxes, bloating our shelves, our desk drawers, and, ultimately, our trash bins.
On their long journey from the factory to the landfill, the occasional disc gets plucked from the pile for a morbidly curious listen. It seems only fair to those thousands upon thousands of unknown soldiers, who will spend unknown centuries decomposing in unmarked mass graves.
This week's lucky disc was the official soundtrack to The Clique, an upcoming straight-to-video film about teen girls in an upper crust prep school. In a fit of journalistic speculation that would make Studs Terkel fart in his grave, Gimme Noise has formed what seems the only likely plot synopsis for the film, based entirely on a single spin of the sound track. So, ever unfettered by the limits of good taste, Gimme Noise presents The Clique: An imagined synopsis.
Please note that the synopsis is annotated by the corresponding entries on the soundtrack.
Slo-mo tracking shot as Kristen, the peppy honor roll student and plucky protagonist, breezes through the halls of Octavian County Day School (Here With Me Now-- Clique Girlz). Your favorites are all there-- Dylan, the crash dieting goofball, Massie, the aristocratic social queen, Alicia the Latin goddess who hides a roughneck past. Oh, and let's not leave out Claire, the dimwit, virginal initiate.
Kristen and Brendan, a Freshman running back, cut class to make out (Look but Don't Touch- Juliet Shatkin). They attempt intercourse, but he is unable to perform. She lights a joint and says not to worry about it, that it happens to a lot of guys. He says he just has a lot on his mind. Mortified, he takes a single drag and leaves the maintenance closet they're hiding in. She finds his vulnerability intoxicating (UR Perfect-- Juliet Shatkin).
At lunch, Alicia sets the metal detector off. A switchblade is removed from her book bag. After a short altercation with the monitor, Alicia brandishes the blade, daring them to "try and take this motherfucker away." She's tackled from the rear by security while Kristen and Dylan look on. Alicia is cuffed and dragged outside, weeping openly that she "just wanted him to notice me for once." Kristen and Dylan pretend not to know her (Find My Place- Samantha Boscarino). Alicia does not re-appear for the duration.
Claire asks Dylan directions to room 301 (That Girl-- The DeeKompressors). Dylan says it's right between 300 and 302. Claire calls Dylan a dumb bitch. Dylan is initially dumbstruck, but later starts a rumor that Claire got her period all over the seat in study hall (So Dangerous-- Alana D).
After school, Kristen and Brendan again attempt intercourse in Brendan's Dodge Dart while parked behind the Walgreen's, where Brendan works. He is again unable to perform. Kristen questions his sexuality. A physical altercation ensues. Later, Kristen insists that it's not a black eye. She just hasn't been sleeping well. Dylan and Massie know the truth but pretend not to (Commit Me-- Alana D).
Oh no! Massie lost her check card (Ayo Ayo-- Classic)!
In the final scene, Claire sits in her bedroom. She has her stepfather's Ambien prescription, and is listening to her favorite song on repeat (What U Say-- The DeeKompressors). She opens and closes the pill bottle several times but is ultimately unable to muster the courage. The film fades to black.
For your benefit, here is the actual trailer to the film. It would appear that, as usual, Gimme Noise was spot on.