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The 16 best pieces of advice from L.A. Nik's new self-help book

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L.A. Nik, downtown Minneapolis's favorite nightlife personality, is a man of many hats. Literally: He always wears a black fedora. And figuratively: He's played drums, he's owned an auto shop, he's held odd jobs in between. Last month, he added another line to the eclectic resume: "author."

For nearly a year, Nik holed up in the Platinum Room at Bank, the Westin's restaurant, and dictated his life's wisdom. The result is Life Is Short Then You're Dead Forever, the first in his three-book deal with a publisher he co-owns. (Next up is a volume of advice for women "about men and their penises," he says).

The book is part memoir, part self-help. Nik breaks down his teachings into eight "powers" that will help his readers avoid what he calls "the comfortable state of hatred."

"This book is just about spreading my wisdom to the masses," Nik explains. "I wasted 15 years -- 10 years in a loveless marriage and five years on drug addiction. I've been a multimillionaire and I've been homeless with no money. I'm just trying to say, 'I did this, you shouldn't fucking do it.'"

We cherry-picked all the Nik advice you'll need.

See Also:

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1. Never do coke with strangers at a motorcycle bar in the Bahamas.

2. If you do coke with strangers in the Bahamas and get arrested, don't light a match in your cell.

  1. Make a wish whenever you have to pee and you'll find yourself.

Before and after the perfect pee:

4. Don't let anyone tell you how to do your hair.

5. Cut class to go to a recording studio and it will all work out.

6. You can write a book even if you don't read.

7. Go to bars in the middle of the day and you will meet a lonely old man who will let you live and party in his historic mansion for two years.

Check out the swank house:

8. Use this pickup line.

9. Reinvent yourself.

10. Motivate yourself by renting an apartment you can't afford.

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... was forced to work hard to keep it.

11. Don't go into business with your wife.

12. If enough people believe something it must be true.

13. Don't take it personally when your relatives think you love Satan.

This is your new life coach:

14. "Live your life" is never redundant.

15. You can get your message read by Garrison Keillor if you fold it into a paper airplane.

16. This might be harder for you than it is for L.A. Nik. But never give up.

For more wit and wisdom from LA Nik, read this book: