For the past several years my three children—Penelope (7), Cam (5), and Lou (5)—have verbally shamed and tortured me with unrelenting malice.
I personally believe this proves a theory I once saw explained on 60 Minutes: All children are born evil and it is up to us as a society to teach them morals and loving kindness. As their father, I have clearly failed them in these regards.
Below you will find a list of the Top 12 worst insults they have leveled at me in their short time on this planet. Very open to suggestions here for how to survive this, folks. Please pray for our family. Or at least for me.
Butt Cheek Beak
This morning my 6yo daughter coined the phrase “Butt Cheek Beak” and pretty much ethered my entire 20 year music career. Just like that.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) August 15, 2018
Poopy Butt Penis Hair
Today I was called a “poopy butt penis hair” by my 5yo son and now you’re all grounded.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) July 13, 2019
A janitor’s closet
My 7yo daughter just called me a “janitors closet.” Fuck this.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) July 11, 2019
A ham sandwich
Was just called a HAM SANDWICH by my 7yo daughter. How did I so swiftly lose control of this household?— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) June 5, 2019
A pig's butt
5yo son: Daddy, what’s the stinkiest animal on earth?— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) April 19, 2019
Me: I don’t know, maybe a pig?
5yo son: Daddy, you are a pig’s butt.
You don't know anything, Dad, because you never went to college.
My 6yo daughter at her cousin’s softball game.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) May 24, 2019
6yo: What’s the score, Dad?
Me: You know what, I actually don’t know.
6yo: You don’t know anything Dad because you didn’t go to college!
Daddy smells like old cantaloupe.
Daddy is an egg roll.
Daddy lives in garbage.
Daddy’s eyes look like butts.
Nothing more humbling than waking up after a successful album release show to a barrage of insults from your children. “Daddy’s eyes look like butts,” “Daddy smells like old cantaloupe,” “Daddy is an egg roll,” and “Daddy lives in garbage” among some of the highlights so far.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) March 9, 2019
Daddy, you are definitely gonna die very soon. You’re already very old.
Lazy Sunday. Lunch time. Hot dogs, grilled cheeses, carrots and dip.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) November 4, 2018
4yo: Mom and Dad, I know what you’re definitely gonna do.
Mom and Dad: What’s that, Cammy?
4yo: You are definitely gonna die very soon. You’re already very old.
A bean sack with a poop in my butt
Just asked my 4yo son for a kiss goodnight and he told me I was a bean sack with a poop in my butt. I have officially lost control of this household.— LAZERBEAK (@_LAZERBEAK_) August 21, 2018
Lazerbeak is a Minneapolis-based musician, artist manager, label CEO, and dad. His latest solo album is Luther.