In terms of societal scourges, cliché wedding music ranks snugly between Mussolini and people who put ketchup on hot dogs.
Spitting on Stan the DJ's corpse in front of Aunt Ruth seems a bit harsh – you don't wanna kill the vibe. Someone paid a lot for this party. But muttering smug, elitist comments under your breath while everyone else has a really good time is oddly satisfying (and also why you never meet anyone).
If you've been to one wedding, you've been to them all. The standard-issue wedding reception playlist rarely deviates and Spotify has actually proved it. The music-streaming service compiled a list of the most popular wedding songs, based on thousands of users who created “wedding reception” playlists presumably in lieu of hiring a band.
Despite the matrimonial Groundhog Day effect, there are some clear winners and losers among the sonic field. These are the best and worst of Spotify's top 10 most popular wedding reception songs.
1. “Don't Stop Believin'” — Journey
There's a reason this Cheez Whiz rocker is No. 1. Thanks to karaoke bars and white people nuptials, this may be the most overplayed song of all time. But unlike with the late-night nobility inhabiting Legend's on a Tuesday, here ties quickly turn into headbands. Everyone becomes an air guitar hero and the crowd is a choir of well-lubricated, wannabe Steve Perrys. It's glorious, but this song still blows. Worst.
- “I Gotta Feeling" — the Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling that Uncle Todd's a little queasy after trying to go shot-for-shot with his 22-year-old nephews. Tonight may be a good night, but between that whizzing electro-house beat and rote songwriting that hijacked/transcended a once-funky hip-hop career, Todd's guaranteed to hurl before the taco bar opens. Worst.
3. “Marry You" — Bruno Mars
Never mind the fact that the song's protagonists get hitched because they were “looking for something dumb to do” (everyone knows it's for the tax breaks). This doe-eyed snoozer is too slow to get people on the floor, too fast for a slow dance. Return your tie to its neck-wrapped position and shove some expensive cake in your face. Worst.
4. “Billie Jean" — Michael Jackson
Outside of a Children's Defense Fund gala, there is no occasion unfit for MJ's testicle-scrunching high notes. Suddenly the 50-year-old guy no one seems to know wilds the hell out on the dance floor with the world's most aggressive high kicks and spin moves. Did mystery party guy just rip a line in the bathroom or did that prowling bass line get him jacked? Does it matter? Best.
5. “Hey Ya!” — Outkast
Since DJ Stan can't spell Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, one of the Atlanta duo's two most recognizable jams shall suffice. Andre 3000's funked-out pop indulgences, which cemented their transformation from trunk-knocking tongue twisters into uncompromising crossover stars, never grow tired. Best.
6. “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" — Beyoncé
Becky, the last single bridesmaid, could have gone without that uncomfortable shout-out during the intro. But otherwise this female empowerment anthem is a party-starting no-brainer that pries every woman out of their high heels and into dance circles. While no amount of testosterone can repel the song's undeniable snap, nothing makes men want to (have to?) dance more than women dancing. And oh hey, puke-and-rally Todd's back begging for Tic-Tacs and sizing up Becky. This won't end well, but still: Best.
7. “Dancing Queen" — ABBA
The bar is always slammed during this mind-numbingly sterile disco chart-topper. Make it a double and pray you don't get stuck listening to the groom's cousin extol the virtues of Bitcoin. Worst.
8. “I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)" — Whitney Houston
Love! Dancing! '80s nostalgia! This peppy singalong is a perfect wedding-jam storm. Too bad the late pop great is a reminder of how an awful marriage can drag down a bright star. So go ahead, dance like an abusive husband whose solo career wasn't even that cool except for “My Prerogative” isn't watching. We'll be drunkenly lecturing the groom about how if he ever hurts her we'll kill him. Worst.
9. “Uptown Funk" — Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
The song that single-handedly ruined 2015 (well, that and an uncountable number of mass shootings) continues to plague mankind after its 14-week stint atop the charts. A socialite superproducer and an ultra-smooth Michael Jackson impersonator oughta be capable of more than this faux-funk drivel. Literally any Prince song would better, Stan. But it's guaranteed to spark a spirited worm competition among the groom's college buds, so at least it's utilitarian. As much as it pains us: Best.
10. “Brown Eyed Girl" — Van Morrison
Every wedding needs a song when little girls can climb up on a grown man's feet for an adorable dance. It's a wedding photographer's dream and a tender move that helped a generation of bro-y rom-com characters get laid. In real life, however, there's no underlying sleaze and if you don't play this at your wedding you probably kick puppies, pop kids' balloons, and drive at night with your lights off. Best.
Check out the rest of Spotify's top 50 wedding reception jams at your own peril.