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Text Message tips for Chris Brown

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Who has time to delete a text message? Not Chris Brown.

After some inveterate snooping by girlfriend Rhianna uncovered a recent text message from his former lover, R and B wunderkind Chris Brown let his fists do the talking, and is now obliged to let his ass pay the check. He's up against a felony assault charge, has incurred the scarlet letter as a woman beater, and will likely resurface after a few months in the pokey as a contestant onĀ  VH1's Surreal Life.

And all on account of one measly text message. Gimme Noise is taking Rhianna's side in this affair (duh). But we also like to lend a hand to the least among us. So, as an olive branch to the fallen pop star, Gimme Noise presents these helpful text message tips for Chris Brown.

1. HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS RHIANNA?

Ok. It's not a text message tip. It's a life tip. Do you think you're going to better? Unless a 23 year old Jayne Mansfield was on the other end of that text message, you need to get your priorities straight.

  1. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

These aren't mash notes from a high school sweet heart, they're text messages. Bastard cousins to twitter posts. You're never going to pull up a chair beside the hearth as an aged man, pull out your Blackberry and cruise your inbox. Think of it this way-- one button click would have saved you a couple months in the big house.

  1. INVENT A CODE LANGUAGE

Hey. It worked for the Germans, and they were up to even worse stuff. Even piglatin would probably save you from the prying glance. Lacking that, opish. People are still trying to figure out what the hell Mushmouth was saying.

5. GET A SECOND PHONE

Well, you probably already have one. But get a third. You've got the scratch. And if you're going to philander, it's good to have a dedicated line. Batman wasn't phoning Gordon from his Razr. He had a special phone under a glass bell, and it was even painted red so he wouldn't get confused.