Ten country songs 'bout Jesus

I've been told a lot of things about Jesus. For one, he evidently looked a lot like Kenny Loggins. Or Kenny Loggins looks a lot like him? Apparently dinosaurs were created and then roamed the earth around the same time as mankind, so I guess Kenny Loggins could be Jesus after all. "Danger Zone" is a song about eternal damnation. "Footloose" is what happens when a sinful woman anoints your feet in her tears. Loggins was not the Messina, but the Messiah.

You got me: I haven't been told much about Jesus at all. I grew up Catholic, and we didn't have all those happy picture books you Protestants colored in Sunday School. The rest of us are left to believe everything the internet tells us about Jesus Loggins. And this is where we turn to country music, which unlike the internet does tell us everything we need to know about Jesus, who died on tomorrow's date (give or take) a good many years ago (but without any dinosaurs around), but rose again after the police knocked on the door to his tomb and hollered, "Outta the crypt, Longhair!"

Okay, don't listen to me. Listen to these fine and abiding country Christians spin 10 excellent songs about Jesus. (Sorry, Carrie Underwood.)


10. "Me and Jesus" - Tom T. Hall (1972)

Jesus Is... a dude who will help you sort your shit out.

9. "Jesus Was a Capricorn (Owed to John Prine)" - Kris Kristofferson (1972)

Jesus Is... a dirty hippie.

8. "Jesus Christ, What a Man" - Billy Joe Shaver (1973)

Jesus Is... seriously an awesome dude. Billy Joe Shaver's a big fan.

7. "She Left Me for Jesus" - Hayes Carll (2008)

Jesus Will... totally steal your girlfriend and probably deserves to get his ass kicked.

6. "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life" - Bobby Bare (1976)

Jesus Has... a mean punt.

5. "Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good" - Don Williams (1981)

Jesus Should... totally cut us a break for once.

4. "Jesus Remembered Me" - Hank and Audrey Williams

Jesus Is... like an elephant.

3. "Jesus" - Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash (1974)

Jesus Can... improve your singing voice.

2. "Why Me" - Kris Kristofferson (1973)

Jesus Will... be waiting for you when it's Sunday Morning and it's time to Come Down.

1. "Jesus & Gravity" - Dolly Parton (2008)

Jesus Is... one of the two things Dolly has goin' for her (Parton comes out surprisingly in favor of gravity in this song).