Music: An invention of the media-owned liberals in Washington, D.C., designed to brainwash our nation’s youth?
Impossible to prove. But it is undeniable that almost all mainstream American musicians have leaned left since, uh, I don’t know ... did "Yankee Doodle" once dominate the airwaves?
Entering into this important discussion: Ted Nugent. The Nuge. The Motor City Madman himself. Incendiary classic-rock guitarist, devoted conservationist, and (for the sake of this article) the most outspoken conservative musician in America, often to petulant extremes.
Kind of seems like he’s going to rock the wind out of our conspiracy theory, right? (Keep reading to find out!) At the very least, we’ll talk politics, gun control, Prince, similarities between the Nuge and Kanye, and an ideal man-on-man date!
Nugent will arrive Friday at the Medina Entertainment Center armed with what he tells City Pages is, “the tightest, highest-energy band in the world." Speaking via email ("We're saving the voice," his publicist reports), he went on to say, "If young 25-year-old Ted Nugent showed up, we'd kick his ass. If you're not having fun with me and my music, you're weird.”
Without further ado, here's our special election season interview with unhinged conservative rock magnate Ted Nugent. Trigger warning: It's an interview with Ted Nugent. God bless you all.
City Pages: What do you think is the public’s biggest misconception surrounding Ted Nugent?
Ted Nugent: I doubt there is much mystery or misconception left about me after more than 50 years of nonstop interviews, writings, media, and public exposure. Everybody has all the information about me that they need.
The goofy, irresponsible, unprofessional, dishonest, anti-American, agenda-driven lying media has consistently lied about me and made up the most ridiculous and nasty stories. But the truth is more than available for intelligent, caring, and honest people to know and embrace the truth. Good people know the truth, goofballs live a lie. I'm good with that.
CP: This is probably obvious to you at this point, but there are among us those who disregard you and your music because of your politics. There may even be one or two City Pages readers who won’t appreciate your opinions today. What do you have to say to the haters?
TN: To disregard my amazing, soulful music for any non-musical reason exposes the disregarder as a soulless, petty, inconsequential dirtbag. My haters are laughable punks, my supporters the greatest, most positively alive people that ever lived.
The many families who chose me to take their terminally ill kids on their last hunts in life many times over the years know and love the real Ted Nugent. That they decide I'm good enough to take part in such a spiritual and emotional moment in their lives proves that I am good enough and proves that my haters are the lowest of lowlifes. Period.
CP: Uff da. This interview is going to get political soon, so now is probably a good time to mention the charity. What can you tell us about your Kamp for Kids?
TN: We are celebrating the 25th year of our Ted Nugent Kamp for Kids charity in Nebraska, Iowa, Colorado, South Dakota. [We teach] children from across America about hands-on conservation, hunting and outdoor skills, firearms, and archery safety and competition.
We teach children how to be the absolute best that you can be and a powerful anti-substance abuse lesson -- the simple and proven guidelines for the ultimate American Dream, quality of life, and happiness. Our Ted Nugent Kamp for Kids is simply perfect.
CP: Liberty is obviously something that’s near and dear to your heart. What is freedom's biggest threat in 2016?
CP: You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to -- I know some people find the question inappropriate -- but have you decided who will be getting your vote in America’s quadrennial game show of a rigged contest this November?
TN: Trump. November 2016 could truly be the long-awaited wake-up call America desperately needs.
CP: What can America do to stop mass shootings?
TN: We could start by voting for honest, qualified leaders in our otherwise embarrassing scamming government who would bring back a sense of honor and respect for fellow Americans. And, of course, we the people could hopefully break free from our self-imposed sheep-like zombie state. We could start keeping and bearing arms and shoot to kill anyone who threatens innocent lives instead of running like scared little girls or videoing the carnage like some sick, twisted, soulless voyeur.
The depth of dishonesty and unprofessionalism by the media would be laughable if it were not for their longtime success at brainwashing so many with their disinformation and outright lies when it comes to guns and crime. Gun-free zones are a murderer’s playground. Somebody oughtta write that down and wake the hell up.
CP: I’m a liberal urban rat who doesn’t own a gun. What’s it like to kill something beautiful?
TN: Killing the essential surplus wildlife resources every natural hunting season and sharing the ultimate sacred renewable protein with hundreds of millions of fellow Americans can only be described as perfection.
I cherish, consume, and share the delicious sacred meat, make gorgeous rugs and clothing with the beautiful, natural hides, bleach the stunning skulls as the mythical spirit art it is, render the fat for cooking and waterproofing sporting gear, and have my daughter make very special jewelry with bones, teeth, and claws. Who doesn't know this is nature perfection at its finest and most respectful?
CP: Why should all City Pages readers get hunting licenses?
TN: Because all of our quality air, soil, and water comes from the managed wildlife habitat that hunting, fishing, and trapping licenses pay for. And you would finally feel like you’re doing your fair share for real environmentalism instead of just jacking off and bullshitting yourselves.
CP: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in this life?
TN: The smart, responsible choices will provide happiness and quality of life not only for one's self, but for everyone around you. That the hunting lifestyle is the ultimate lesson in honest cause and effect and individual accountability.
One cannot deny for long that which they bring about with their own two hands. At some point, an honest evaluation must be admitted to and embraced, adjustments made, and quality of life demanded. Being an asset is a choice. Being a liability is also a choice.
CP: Now that you’ve no doubt changed the minds of incalculable City Pages readers, I’d like to run through a “speed round” with questions that are a little more on-brand. What do you think about the internet?
TN: Fascinating technology with unlimited good, bad, and ugly ramifications.
CP: Say something about Prince.
TN: He was a great man and a soulful musical force to reckon with. But sadly the definition of insanity is the repeating of certain conduct and expecting different results. We lost another very gifted artist due to insane choices.
CP: Two parts: Which of your guitars do you hold most sacred? If the guitar were a woman, what kind of woman would it be?
TN: All my incredible Gibson Byrdlands and Les Pauls and PRSs are very special, indeed sacred, and have unique voices and touches for specific sonic adventures. And my guitars are, in fact, all female and they are randy, uppity, sexy, take-no-crap bitches. We are all hopelessly in lust/love.
CP: In a recent interview you stated, “My worst song is stimulating beyond words. My best songs are downright scary.” It’s a great quote that reminded me of something Kanye West would say. What do you think of Kanye?
TN: I don’t.
CP: If we went on a date tomorrow, where would you take me?
TN: We would be in the woods well before daybreak, sitting silently in the womb of The Great Spirit, absorbing and being one with the sunrise, the wind and all Her creatures and life kick-starts all around us. We would stealthily and cautiously move through Her essence throughout the day, absorbing all Her spirit.
Being one with the setting sun, we would then head for a glowing cityscape where my killer band would be cocked, locked, and oh-so-ready to rock, doc! I would then grab my throbbing Byrdland and we would dance like animals to the most ferocious, fun soundtrack available to mankind ‘til we couldn't take it anymore.
Then we would fire-up the natural wood grill and singe some sacred venison and organic veggies and roots for the ultimate taste-bud orgy ever.
Then I would get rid of you and go snuggle the night away with Mrs. Nugent in preparation for yet another magical day of my Ted Nugent American Dream. It would go on forever!
CP: Will going to the Ted Nugent Sonic Baptism Tour change City Pages readers as citizens?
TN: Yes. If you pay proper attention to the groove, your spirit will become fully erect and life will immediately make more sense. Then you will vote Trump in November and make America great again, not to be confused with making America weaker and more criminal again with the Hillary gang.
CP: Hail Satan!
With: Cole Allen Band
When: 7:30 p.m. Fri., July 29
Where: Medina Entertainment Center, 500 Hwy. 55 Hamel, Minnesota
Tickets: $42.76-$48.13; more info here
[Photo credit: Harmony Gerber]