Surviving an encounter with Hulk Hogan
Look, I don't want to sound like a drama queen or anything, but today is the single most meaningful day of my entire life.
Tonight, at 6 p.m. inside the Mall of America (where dreams come true), the greatest, most important, most awe-inspiring American hero of all time is going to be live in person, signing copies of his new book, My Life Outside the Ring, and making 27-year-old dudes cry like chicks at a Bon Jovi show.
That's right; Hulk Hogan is coming to town. (Click here for info.)
Now, if you're anything like me, then you probably just released a small amount of bodily fluid on to your sweatpants that you've been sporting for the better part of a week.
(Author's note: If I don't go outside, then how can they be considered "dirty?" My wife obviously doesn't understand sweatpants etiquette.)
But before you throw on your faded nWo t-shirt, grab your DVD copy of Suburban Commando (the Hulkster's finest work, in my opinion) and make a run for the mall, you need to ask yourself one small, but all too important question:
What are you going to say to him?
Asking the right question can make this casual encounter with Hulk a moment to remember. Asking the wrong question, however, can lead to a life of sadness and mental anguish as you'll think, "Why didn't think through what I was going to say ahead of time? I hate myself so much."
Don't worry, I won't let that happen. Check it.
Three Tips for Meeting the Hulkster
1) Don't ask about his fanny pack
Take a look at any picture of Hulk Hogan over the past 20 years and you'll notice a few constant themes: The bleach blonde hair, the bandana, the sweet tan and of course, the fanny pack.
A severely underrated fashion accessory of the past couple of decades, the fanny pack is the perfect way to keep all of your belongings safe and secure, while drawing people's attention to your crotch-region. If that's not a win-win situation, then I don't know what is.
Like a true timeless icon, the Hulkster has never swayed from this particular fashion statement as he has sported the fanny pack consistently throughout his career, including his most recent tenure as a reality TV star.
So what does he keep in that fanny pack, you ask? His wallet? Keys? Tanning lotion?
Nope, the answer is souls.
I can't be one hundred percent sure, but I'm fairly confident that the fanny pack is the source of his power, and is fueled by the souls of lesser men and women whom he has encountered throughout his lifetime.
Take it from me; if you don't want the Hulkster to steal your soul, then don't ask him about what's in his fanny pack. Because his answer just might be, "YOUR SOUL, BROTHER!"
Oh, and I'm totally positive he has tanning lotion in there too. Just saying.
2) Don't ask him if he follows the Iron Sheik on Twitter
Remember the Iron Sheik? The crazy Iranian pro wrestler from the eighties who the Hulkster had to vanquish for the good of America?
Guess what? That dude has completely lost his shit.
If you aren't following the Sheik on Twitter, you have no idea what you're missing out on. The guy probably drops about five to 10 tweets per day, and almost all of them end the same way:
"fuck u hulk hogan u no good son of a bitch."
Don't believe me? Check it out.
Obviously Hulk Hogan is light years ahead of the Sheik in terms of fame, popularity, physical fitness and acting success (Author's note: Just to reiterate, Suburban Commando was f'ing TIGHT). But I'm still guessing that he isn't thrilled about somebody is constantly trashing him on Twitter. So maybe just steer clear of that one.
3) Don't mention the words, "Pasta-Mania"
I'm not even going to comment. Just watch this:
In all seriousness, the Hulk is an American icon and a real American hero who has had his fair share of trials and tribulations these past few years, and is now hitting the road to share his story with the world. Come on out tonight for your chance to meet the man himself, say hello and kiss his 24-inch-pythons for real.
(Author's note: Whoa. That sounded way different in my head before I wrote it. But I stand by my choice of words. Hulkamaniacs, I'll see you tonight.)
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