St. Patrick's Day: Fightin' tips for the unprepared

So we're just a few weeks out from the biggest drinking, hardest-partying holiday of the year - St. Patrick's Day.

(Author's note: I should point out that St. Patrick's Day was formerly the number two biggest drinking, hardest-partying day of the year, until about three weeks ago when my wife informed me that "Tone Loc Day" is not an actual holiday. Thanks for stealing the joy from my life.)

Everything about St. Patrick's Day is awesome. You get super-toasted on green Coors Light (the official beer of Tone Loc Day), drink a bunch of McDonald's Shamrock Shakes and vomit in an alley while drunk chicks videotape you with their camera phones.

But while St. Patrick's Day is a day of celebration for most, it can be a day of pain and embarrassment for others. Every year on St. Patrick's Day there are those few drunk, dickhole meatheads who see this fancy holiday as their excuse to start fights and beat on some poor, unsuspecting dude next to a row of port-a-potties at a tent party in St. Paul.

Last year, I was that poor dude.

In March of 2009 I got in my first - and only - fist fight in the parking lot of a bar in the middle of the afternoon. Did I win? I did not. But I did manage to learn a few hot fighting techniques, to keep other unsuspecting and sexy gentlemen like myself from being pounded this St. Patrick's Day. Let's get dangerous.

Tip #1: First one to get his shirt off wins

The fight started like any other. I was vomiting up my eight Coors Lights and three Shamrock Shakes on the side of a bar, when a group of drunk dudes started heckling me. I tried to ignore them as I finished up, before grunting and starting to walk away.

What I didn't know, unfortunately, is that in drunken fuckface language, a post-vomit groan is considered fightin' words.

"The hell did you say to me bro?" one of the guys said. This was a clear pre-beating battle cry, as I can't think of a single thing I could have said that would have defused the situation. I had a feeling that things were about to escalate, but still, I tried to get out of it.


(Author's note: I'm pretty sure that's what I said. I know it involved a Shamrock Shake. God I hate you, McDonalds.)

Apparently my argument didn't work, because the guy immediately popped his shirt off and started coming at me.

Note to guys everywhere: Drunk meatheads LOVE taking their shirts off before fighting. Seriously. Think back to the first frat party fight you saw in college. Did anyone have a shirt on? Exactly.

Knowing what was about to happen, I tried to counteract his nudity with the only tactic I could think of; I took my shirt off too.

This confused him momentarily and actually made him hesitate for a second. You see, one dude without his shirt on in a parking lot wrestling another guy = badass. Two dudes without shirts on wrestling in a parking lot = "experimentation."

Unfortunately, my tactic only worked for a second before he pulled it together and tackled me. I was officially getting my ass kicked.

Tip #2: Always get in the last word

After about a minute of blasting me while I curled up in a ball (a ball of danger, that is), the guy finally let up and started walking away appearing satisfied with his victory.

Now, I should have probably left it alone, but I couldn't. Instead, I thought back to the end scene of Rocky 5 when Tommy Gunn just got done beating the Christ out of Rocky. Just as he's walking away, Rocky gets up and says one of the most badass lines ever,

"Ay yo Tommy; I didn't hear no bell. One more round."

Don't ask me why, but at that moment I decided that I too needed to have my Rocky 5 moment. So I stood up and said the exact same line, thinking it would intimidate him into walking away and leaving me with a moral victory. Unfortunately, my version of the line ended up with me mumbling something inaudible and grabbing my crotch. Not quite the same effect, but still, same basic principle.

Tip #3: Rocky 5 is a big lie

Yep, I got my ass kicked again.

This year, I'll probably stick closer to my friends and not put myself in such a precarious position. But rest assured, Coors Light (the official beer of Tommy Gunn) and Shamrock Shake fans, these meatheads will be out there, prowling for sexy dudes to pound on. Don't be a statistic.