Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

Snoop Dogg is many things: actor, coach, writer, husband, father, seminal West Coast rapper, time-traveler, and history alterer. 

Here now, a small sampling of his exploits through the ages.

Snoop Intervenes at the OK Corral

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

At three o'clock in the afternoon on October 26th, 1883, Snoop was tending to various securities and assays in Tombstone, Arizona's branch of Wells Fargo when the legendary gunfight between the outlaw Cowboys gang and the Earp brothers erupted in the streets outside. Snoop immediately went outside to gauge exactly the situation, taking a slug to the left leg in the fray. The Cowboys were so taken by Dogg's stone-cold fearlessness and laissez-faire attitude towards gunplay that he was invited into the gang, which he politely declined.

Snoop Dogg and His Clone Army Liberate East Germany

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

While working as an informant for the West German government as a mid-level officer in the Stasi,  Snoop Dogg was also conducting genomic research into the possibility of human cloning in secret. Then, in the mild midsummer of 1983, he perfected his technique and successfully birthed the first human clone, which he named "Chuch," from a sample taken from his ankle. Sensing the imminent sea change, for the remainder of the eighties Dogg quietly cloned his own army, preparing them to liberate and unify Deutschland...when the time was right.

Snoop Dogg Storms Normandy

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

Los Angeles in 1942 was no place for a dreamer and a wanderer; a city besieged by corrupt madmen, where the opportunity was crooked or nil.  After his courses in journalism didn't pan, Dogg cast his lot with the United States Marine Corp. Attaining the rank of Lance Corporal in boot camp, Snoop was assigned to a detachment of hard-nosed city boys and lily-eyed country bumpkins. Their bond was one that would last forever. Watching his brother-at-arms Jimmy "Fastball" Macintyre die in a blaze of Nazi ordnance meant for him left an indelible wound in Snoop's good nature for the rest of his days.

Snoop Dogg Steals Fire from Zeus, Scores

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

The gods had been dicks for ages. As punishment for Snoop's duplicity surrounding the trick at Mecone, Zeus had hid fire from humanity. This, Snoop could simply not abide. How would he torch blunts? Enraged but calm, Dogg waited until Zeus had his back turned and stole it right back upon a fennel stalk. Zeus' retaliation? He created Pandora, the first woman. In retrospect a rather ineffective move on the God of Gods' part.

Snoop Dogg: Fur Trapper and Pizza Pioneer

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

Having emigrated from France to the northern American territory skirting the chain of Great Lakes in a failed search for gold, Snoop eventually made himself a modest fortune trapping elk, rabbit, and beaver, hunting for months at a time in the unforgiving northwoods, saving his earnings in a trustworthy bank in Sault Sainte Marie. He eventually settled in a modest walkup in Greenwich Village, founding America's first pizza parlor.

Who knows what the future could bring...

Snoop Dogg: Master of time and history

SNOOP DOGG plays two back-to-back shows tonight, TUESDAY, JANUARY 25, at the CABOOZE. All ages at 5:30 p.m.; 18+ at 8:30 p.m. $35.

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