Rodney Atkins gets cheesy; Mindy McCready gets saucy

As you can imagine, country blogs around America are every day updated with hot, enticing information about country artists. But saying so makes me a liar, for this is a false assertion. Here are a few shocking headlines of late. From Country Music Television's blog: Martina McBride's Tears Are Contagious. From Country Music News Blog: Wynonna Judd Salutes Wounded Soldiers. From The Boot: Darius Rucker Has 'Idol' Ambitions? And from Country Weekly: Luke Bryan Talks Trout Fishing. But today, there are two superhot items buzzing about the country world: a little sex, a little cheese and macaroni.

In just a few short weeks, you can pay to see Mindy McCready naked and talking about Roger Clemens' penis!

Have you heard of Mindy McCready? (Cue tumbleweed.) Mindy McCready, who had a hit years back with "Guys Do It All the Time" (and I guess she'd know), has long been one of nu-country's baddest bad girls. And not in that publicist-friendly, tattooed, wearin' short skirts and singin' about whiskey and guns sort of way -- Miranda Lambert has the corner on that. I'm talkin' allegedly having an affair with Roger Clemens when he was married and she was 15 (she later stated they actually met when she was 16 and didn't begin knockin' boots til a couple years later). I'm talkin' numerous arrests for trying to procure OxyContin, driving drunk, beating up her mom, resisting arrest and not checking in with her probation officer. I'm talkin' a stint on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Well just when it seemed like Dr. Drew had helped Mindy get her shit together and on the heels of a nation-wide publicity tour to promote her new album, Vivid Entertainment has announced they plan to release Mindy McCready: Baseball Mistress. Saucy stuff! The hour-long tape, which includes not only a little footage of her knockin' boots with her ex-boyfriend "Peter" but also dish about her relationships with Clemens, ex-fiance Dean Cain, and others, will be out on April 19, 2010. As early rumor has it, McCready shares on tape either pre- or post-coitus that Clemens was great in bed in spite of his erectile issues. Now that's some hot pillow talk!

And Rodney Atkins makes me crave processed cheese

Have you heard of Rodney Atkins? (May I cue another tumbleweed?) I saw him at the Brown County Fair last summer -- and he was pretty damned good I'll add -- so if drunk Nikki bent your ear in a bar anytime between August and November 2009, you probably know more than you need to about Rodney Atkins. Otherwise, I doubt regular readers of Gimme Noise know a damned thing about the dude. Brief tutorial: he has a lovely voice, was an orphan adopted at a young age by a very lovely family, and now writes powerfully inspirational tunes about family and perseverance. I've waxed about him in my list of Top Ten Most Ridiculous Country Songs of '09, including in this list his song "Watching You." This song has a lovely vignette in which he tells his son he can't have his toy until his Nuggets are gone, then describes the regret he feels over uttering a cuss word in his son's presence after slamming the brakes at a red light and causing his son's orange drink to fly all over the car. Later, they pray together. The buzzword of the day: cheesy.

Oh, not because Rodney's lyrics are cheesy. Not at all!

Rodney Atkins is the new spokesperson for Velveeta Shells and Cheese. And has written a song about family togetherness for use in their commercials. I guess if you're a member of his fan club you can, on May 15, enter for a chance to have him come perform that song for you over a hot bowl of macaroni and cheese. Excuse me, shells and cheese. That's what them fancy rich families eat - creamy not powdered processed cheese.

And that's all the news that's fit to print out of Nashville today, my friends.

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