Randy Travis, unedited


Howdy. I'm at the state fair and I'm SHITFACED!

And I'm at the randty travuis show. (Don' bother editing this, editor.)

Lookat that asshole. All comin' out in his blazer. Randy trabis thinks he'sd lyle lovett. No, reverse that. Lyle lovett thinks he's randy travis. 'Cept he dated julia and randy only had speculation he was gay in the 80s til he married his manager. Randy's got a better voice. Neither's better looking than the orher. First song us scuse me is 'better class of losers.' That's me. I'm a fuckin' classy loser. Or a classy individual who is no winner.

Dudes, I'm in row 14 and the ladies in front of me are opting for watching the jumbotron over watching randy, right in front of us. I look over to see what thety're watching. It's the fiddle player in a haircut that looks like mr. Letcher, my hs band teacher (an accomplisht accomplisht? That shoud have an ed not a t) trombonist who sang 'just the way you are' to his wife at their wedding which is just bout the least romantic thing ever. But that tangent is irrelevant where's my miller lite? Anyway that fiddle player was wearing a black turtle neck. What were we talking about again?

Jesus. They're still watching that fucking jumbotron. I wanna smack em upside their bad pixiecut and highlight mom hair heads and tell em to redirect their gaze, through those fancy bifocals that don't have visible lines but rather smudge from near to far, to randty, RIGHT FUCKIN IN FRONT OF US!

Oh but they woulda missed that closeup on the steel player's hands if they'da been listening to me. Would have been tragic. Beautiful hands. Jesus stop looking at the jumbotron!


I'm gonna try to sneak up and take a photo now. Y'all will see he doesn't look better or worse than lyle lovett but what you won't hear is his far superior voice. Goddamn. Like fuckin' honky tonk honey.

Uhuh. The 70 year old woman hired as security to keep a crazy fan like me at bay ain't havin' it.

Randy's diggin' up bonez. If'n ya know what I'm sayin' (goddamn such a good song and I'm not making any insinuations about his sexuality, nope.)

But on the other hand. Another good song. And I need champagne. Yeah I came in with a jug mixed full'a champagne and one tropicana OJ juice bottle. I been lit ever since we stopped for wine at the crepe stand and saw a man singing beatles on their little stage. He said he took requests. A lady with kids requested something french and he said he didn't know anything but vooo lay voooo something or another and I shouted out PLAY SOME RANDY TRAVS and he ignored me only halfway by switching it up from lennonmccartney to cash. Weak.

What was I talkin' about? Oh. Drink more, niki. Nikki. Two Ks.
Randy travis gon' sing bob dylan now. The gals behind me, who are not watching the jumbotron, are remarking that he's from þminnesota. I hadn't heard. Thanks for the music lesson, ladies. Who's bob dylan anyway?

Oh damn, the steel player, when shown in full not just hands on the jumbptron, is totally andy warhol. Whuite hair. Bad white hair.

Whoa. His band has two warhols. Guitar player too'. And they're in black turtlenecks.

Thease old folks oughtta be dancing to idf ugh if I didn't have you. Goddamn. Good song. I'm gonna make an old man dance with me.

They all have angry wives.

When randy travis sings real low it makes about a thousand minnesotans shittheir prontopups. I want a cigarette. He's making old people jokes about google nowa s if it's something you do when you'te cheatin' on your wife. 'Can I google yopuan, ugh, you randy?' (He didn't say yopuan, I'm drunk)
'Idunno, my wife's standing right here"

"Andy warhol everyone!" No one thinks that's funny. I'm sitting back down again.

Oh my god he's making us all shit our pants again. He sings so low!

The couple down the row from me is totally talkin' shit about me. Gonna fight 'em while randy travis covers roger miller. Hold on.

K I'm not the only drunk kid in my row. That dude? Just pretended to hump the security dude as he walked away from our section. Party's on.

You still with me here?

God. GOD! He's on to his gospel hits now. He's still singing so low. I'm pooping my pants for jesus, randyt. $



It smells like laundry here, that aintk right. Can't smoke and can't smell pigs.

Ok they;kve tuerned into a full on doo wop band for 'it's just a matter of time'. Daddy's singin' bass, randy's singin' tenor, and one of the warhol's joinin' right in there. And there are a couple'a girls lookin' like they're gonna puke a couple rows ahead of me. I love the fair,!

Jesus my drunk is deeper'n the holler now. Gonna have to catch a cab to the turf to sober up. But goddamn I hope this drunk ain't longer than the song of the whippoorwill 'cause my boss won't appreciate it if I come into work saying I'm drunk on randy travis. Ohhhhhhhhh shit.

But for as flippant as I am, goddamn randy travis is good. Perhaps I can't even write seriously abour him only because he is so near abd dear to my drunk, musspelling heart. He's been played at every cousin wedding I've been too (too? Sure) since I was a kid. If you haven't already, check him out. He hadn't had a country record out since '99 til he releasedone last year. I didn't tonight buy an autographed copy myself because I wanted to meet the opening act, dude who sings ' tequila makes he r clothes fall off,' to tell him he's real cute but that he looks like my ex and so I really just gotta gate him. That's hate him. Goddamn. I'm totally not gonna edit this 'cause it's funnier that way, forever and ever amen! Fireworks!

See you on the next episode of 'Intervention.'
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