R. Kelly's top 5 most ridiculous lyrics
If somehow you're not familiar with R&B superstar R. Kelly, here's the basic rundown: 1) He has one of the most beautiful tenors in all of pop music, and 2) He's a sex addict. Probably. At the very least, Kelly has an unabashed fascination with erotic encounters of the freakiest variety, and he uses his stunning voice to relay every filthy detail to us. The problem with this is that, after being in the business for 20 years, he's running out of different kinds of sex to have and different ways to tell us how awesome he was at it. But, hey, we all win in any case, because this has resulted in a collection of song lyrics that have gotten increasingly ridiculous, disturbing, and awesome.
When you lay your hand on my pillow
I know girl this is gonna get scary like Thriller
You gonna feel this monster get bigger
And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part
And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part
But that's OK because this is the remix
When I was a kid, Thriller scared the shit out of me. I'll admit it. When Michael Jackson turns into that werewolf-thing, the part of my brain that processes fear blew a fuse. Totally horrifying. If sex with R. Kelly is truly like Thriller and comes with the possibility of an undead zombie erection (or choreographed dance), it surpasses merely "freaky" and goes straight to "nightmare-inducing." On top of that, Kels can't even be bothered to finish the verse. And you know that he doesn't care, mostly because he comes right out and tells you so. He goes from sexually frightening to I-don't-give-a-damn in just one line, which has to be some kind of world record.
I be drillin' these chicks like Major Payne
When I make it rain, they be like "Kels, do it again"
Y'see I order one bottle then I fuck with one model
Then I order more bottles so I got more models
Robert Kelly is so versed in the art of having sex that he can do it in the style of a really terrible mid-90's Damon Wayans vehicle, which is incredible, because I'm not even sure how that works. Maybe he wears one of those drill instructor hats. Later on in the track, Kels displays a scientific acumen that borders on Nobel-winning when he cracks the relationship between the number of bottles you have and the number of models hounding you for sweet liquor and thrown money in the VIP section, which is now considered a universal physical law. Sir Isaac Newton was never this much of a pimp.
3. From R. Kelly - "Sex Planet"
In the middle of darkness
Girl relax and just flow
I'm about to tickle it and touch your soul
Once I enter your black hole
This just proves that Kels' scientific interests aren't just limited to human behavior--he's an astronomer, too. He's truly a man of many talents. You've probably underestimated him, thinking that he'd go for the lowest common denominator when it comes to euphemisms and space talk, but you'd be...
Girl I promise this will be painless
We'll take a trip to planet Uranus
Oh holy shit. Nevermind.
Girl I got you so wet
It's like a rainforest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your Sexasaurus, baby
OK, now this is almost too far, even for Mr. Kelly. There's got to be a line somewhere, and dinosaur-based role play is probably crossing it. I mean, you've seen that movie right? When you have sex with R. Kelly, he will pick your jeep up with powerful jaws and crush it with teeth as long as toothbrushes. And, really Kels, before you go playing The Lost World, you might want to have your lady get that whole rainforest thing checked out. That doesn't sound healthy.
I like her, I like her, I like her
Wait, I like her too, I like her too
And her friend too, and her cousin too
And her sister, and her mother
And her, her, her, her, her big grandma
From the hood to the fuckin' industry
Even the Statue of Liberty
It's official: R. Kelly will sex your grandma. Not only that, he'll have sex with with a statue that's over one hundred years old, strictly because she's female (and probably naked under that toga). That's dedication.
A Mother's Day Platinum Affair feat. R. Kelly w/ Crucial Conflict and John Blu . Sunday, May 8th. Epic Event Center. $25 Gen Admission / $50 VIP / $80 Platinum. 9pm. 110 North Fifth St. 612-332-3742.
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