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Please keep your heroin out of my club

Please keep your heroin out of my club
Dreamworks LLC

The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.

Hey Door Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple months now. He's really cool. We met at a club and bonded over our love of EDM and club drugs. Both are about 1000X more fun together than they ever were on my own. The other day, while we were partying, he said that he wanted to try doing something different together and suggested heroin. I've never done H before but I like to party and I like this guy. Can people do smack and go clubbing? What do you think the downsides are here? What's a cool girl with a cool guy to do?

--Cool Kids Cooler with H?

See Also: Top 10 rules of the rave: A guide to underground dance party etiquette

So let me get this straight...

You and your boyfriend like to party and go clubbing and do party drugs and now he wants to do heroin with you, and you're wondering what the downsides are?

So, um, sorry, but have you read this column before? Club drugs? EDM? It's like Sanskrit to this crusty old man. Club drugs are like club music, manufactured and oddly quantized experiences that have no relevance whatsofuckingever to me, because your Molly and EDM was yesterday's X and techno, and frankly, I didn't really give a shit then, either.

That's not to say that I'm judging you or anyone for partying, but in my years of experience club drugs are supposed to be fleeting, supposed to be immediate and gone the next day, like a one night stand, all just part of keeping the party going. Heroin, on the other hand? Heroin is like the earth mother goddess of fucked-up drugs. You don't hook up with heroin, you have a fucking relationship with it. It runs deep and hard and it hurts you whether you're with it or trying to dump it.

I'm sorry to be the big old party pooper, CKCH, but part of my job as a door guy is to keep you from doing all the cool kid club drugs you seem to love, or at least create an air of plausible deniability for my employer via my presence and occasional searching of your purse, your shoes, that locket around your neck, and the inside of the brim of that awful trilby/fedora hat you love that looked stupid when everyone in L.A. wore them four years ago and has aged like foot fungus.

That's why no clubs, rock venues, or even the grossest dive in the Twin Cities has a sign hanging up that says "COME HERE TO DO ALL THE DRUGZ." Because while these places of business understand that people like to party and get fucked up, we don't want to deal with people freaking out or overdosing or getting assaulted or in any other way fucking with the overall smooth running of our business. In other words, we want you to handle your shit or stay home. And speaking in the most general terms, heroin is a stay-home-not-handling-your-shit-in-public kind of drug.

 

I've known many, many people who have used heroin over the years, some addicts, some not, and I'm sure they could get all snotty with me in the comments section here and tell me that I've got it all wrong. Or at least the ones who are still alive.

So, long story short: it's super-OK if you like to party and do drugs and club the shit out of some EDM or whatever, but if asking you to do heroin is your supposedly "cool" boyfriend's twisted way of asking you to get more serious with him, for the love of god, dump him.

Run away. Quickly. Because your party train is about to take a turn for the fucking weird and gut wrenching. And I for one have no interest in managing your doped-up ass the next time you're in my place of work. Because as much as you seem to be obsessed with the idea of "cool," I'm fairly certain that what you and your boyfriend are doing or thinking about doing doesn't even qualify. At the very least, "cool" by any definition is pretty fucking overrated.

Take my advice, or don't. Sorry to sound like a boring old prude. But you know, an actually legitimate pretty cool guy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, died because he couldn't keep heroin off his back even after 23 years of being sober. And no matter how many people I've known over the years whose lives changed radically because they couldn't keep the monkey off their back, Hoffman's death still bums me out, because he was one of my favorite actors in many of my favorite movies. But of all his scenes, there's one that seems sort of relevant here -- an actor who would ultimately die of an OD playing a guy who died of an OD talking about the concept of being uncool. Watch and aspire to uncoolness -- it might change your life.

Got a question for The Door Guy? E-mail AskTheDoorGuy@gmail.com


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