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Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic

Fuck you, indie rock.

I'll never tire of defending country music. Never! You want to hear me go on, and on, and on about it? Give me a beer. Hell, I'll do it sober. You want to tell me about your rock band? Zzzzzzzzz... but hey, listen to me while I detail the finer points of that song Miranda Lambert wrote about cheatin'! And yes, you will listen. Read on.

Now if you've ever heard me ramble about this that or the other country musician, this decade last decade or otherwise, you'll know I'm not looking for any validation from you. I know this country crap is gold, pure gold. My love for it holds a very secure place in my heart. Friday night, I had plans to see Miranda Lambert, Nashville Star finalist and girlfriend of my favorite tweeter Blake Shelton when she stopped at Mystic, and I was gonna drag along my friend Andrew. Andrew knows a lot about indie rock. He was curious to see a casino show. Frankly, I expected him to flake last minute.

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

Now, I may not need my love for Miranda to be validated, but I know Andrew was a little more skeptical. Andrew knows a lot about indie rock, and he also knows a lot about people who write about it online--he works for this site "The Daily Swarm" which is, as I understand it, what they call an "aggregator." Or whatever. All I know is Andrew's always sending me shit he finds online. And he finds a lot of shit online. A few weeks ago Andrew sent me a link to this Twitter site, 1000timesyes, where some dude is doing 1,000 record reviews of 2009's new releases. Andrew was impressed with a tweet the dude had made about this year's big hot indie rock reunion: "Four Pavement shows in Central Park? What is the sound of 10,000 mouths breathing?" Andrew thought that was brilliant. I didn't get it. In any case, Andrew's skepticism about this country show I was dragging him to was briefly quelled when this 1000timesyes dude tweeted about Miranda Lambert's new album Revolution, out last week, review #703: "Miranda Lambert/Revolution: This is a rock album. Fuck you.#8.5." Apparently this guy doesn't review a whole lot of country, and in fact, the last record he'd scored so high was review #690, Horseback's The Invisible Mountain (who?) and, prior to that #622, Raekwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... (what?). Damn. Credibility! Fuck you, indie rock.

 

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

I first came to love Miranda Lambert when I saw my sister singing her "he hit me so I'm gonna shoot 'im" hit "Gunpowder and Lead," drunk at karaoke.
His fist is big but my gun's bigger/He'll find out when I pull the trigger. Hearing my little baby sister sing that made my heart swell with pride. Aww! And from that moment on, I loved that little blonde spitfire if only because she reminded me of my sister, and of women wronged the world over. I learned later that Lambert had written the lyrics to the chorus, I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of/Gunpowder and lead, while attending a concealed handgun class in her Texas hometown. Her parents worked as private investigators, often assisting abused women on divorce cases, and the notion of keeping guns around to keep men in check was, you know, just kinda... the thing.

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

And cheatin' men? Well, you burn their houses down. Duh. Friday night at Mystic, Lambert marched out to her hit "Kerosene": Forget your high society, I'm soakin' it in kerosene/Light 'em up and watch them burn, teach them what they need to learn/Dirty hands ain't made for shakin' ain't a rule that ain't worth breakin'/ I'm giving up on love 'cause love's given up on me.

Before the end of the song, a theater full of 18-40ish year old women were on their feet dancing, singing along with fingers pointed to the ceiling emphasizing every beat of the chorus. The man in front of us, his lap full of I'd reckon at least a hundred bucks worth of merch belonging to his two female companions, sat nonchalantly eating Junior Mints. Meh. Andrew got a kick out of this.

 

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller
Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller
Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

There's a reason Lambert resonates with the ladies of this crowd. A crowd that, when she'd approach the aisles, would flock to the stage to snap photos and reach out to touch her, a veritable Miranda Mamarazzi if you will. The ladies love Lambert 'cause Lambert's had her heart broken and ain't afraid to throw around a little "crazy" talk about what she'd like to do to the heartbreakers.

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller
Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

Though her retributive tunes certainly dominated her set--as she said before introducing her new song "Sin for a Sin," "I'm keepin' with my pattern of killin' young cheatin' boys in my songs"--they weren't the only thing that endeared her to her audience. Lambert, herself no waif and with a good amount of tush in her jeans, introduced her new song "Only Prettier" (featuring the lyrics Well I'll keep drinkin' and you'll keep gettin' skinnier/Hey I'm just like you only prettier) by saying she was a cheerleader, she was embarrassed to admit, but that it taught her something about skinny mean girls. You know, that we may keep getting fatter drinkin' all this beer but we're still prettier than them skinny girls. Ah. My favorite delusion. If that doesn't speak to a crowd of young women, I don't know what does.

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

But hey. I like Lambert because she likes to drink, introducing her song "Dry Town" by laughing, "I know this is a dry casino, and I think that sucks." Oh honey, bless your heart. Oh and guns. I mentioned she really, really likes guns, right? I mean, really. Bless your heart, Miranda. There you have it--another defense of country music. Cheatin', drinkin' and guns.

Miranda Lambert drives the ladies wild at Mystic
Photo by Nikki Miller

See. I told you you'd listen. Now in exchange for your time I'll gladly listen to that AIDSeaWolfEyesParade song you like so muchZzzzzzzzzzzzz...


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