KDWB's Booty Cruise 2014: A stowaway's report

Note: To the readers who found this story via C.J.'s column at Star Tribune, welcome to the party! We hope you enjoy the view.

Imagine a scene from the movie Mean Girls, mix in a few male strippers, some alcohol and shake it up: This is the 101.3 KDWB Booty Cruise.

I was invited by a friend who had won tickets via the radio station, and on a whim took her up on the chance to be a fly on the wall on the women-only boat ride on the St. Croix River.

It's so interesting that something called the Booty Cruise -- or as I dubbed it "Booby Cruise" due to how much cleavage is shown -- launches out of the idyllic small town of Stillwater. So much debauchery happens on the water. During our walk down to the dock, many females of all shapes and sizes were waiting for their friends before getting on the Avalon -- the boat for the evening.

Even though it was women only, there were many eyes on each lady that walked past you, silently judging you and summing up who you are from how you are dressed. It was as if high school was back in session, but that was before alcohol comes into the picture to loosen everyone up.

The boat was beautiful, and it was not long before Titanic and Gilligan's Island references were made. The first floor was reserved for sitting and conversation and had the buffet. The second floor was for the male strippers and dancing, and the open-deck third provided a nice view and breeze to be shared with KDWB's morning show hosts, Dave Ryan, Falen Bonsett, and Steve-O.

If you wanted free food, you had better hurry, because there's nothing like women at a buffet scrambling for a limited amount. Small plates were given so the food could be spread out between more people, but those sitting closest to the buffet were at an advantage since they could get up and easily get some more.

My group had just made ourselves comfortable on the second-floor balcony, outside of the stripper dance floor, when psychic Gary Spivey joined our table. The psychic is famous for many things, and hosts an hour each week on the show where people call in with questions about anything from dead relatives to unique questions about relationships. The show has stopped taking the standard calls about finding love, because after so many years, those are not as interesting anymore. Dressed all in white and wearing a huge white afro wig, Spivey had an entourage of three attractive male assistants that look like they just stepped off the set of Jersey Shore

Women noticed Gary sitting at our table and a few made their way over to be read by him. It was fascinating to watch, because he may not be so much psychic as he is a psychologist. He looks at people, asks a few questions, and says what they want to hear. Most people ask about their love life or their careers, and Gary, in his calm demeanor, will perhaps touch them on the shoulder, and ask, "Can you feel that? I just cleared your sinuses from all the stress you've been having. Do you feel that?" and their reply is always, "Oh, yeah. I felt it!"

It's almost like a televangelist. I tried to be an observer, but before he left the table to officially read for his portion of the evening, he looked right at me and said, "What do you want to know?" I said I didn't need to know anything, and it led to me always wanting to be in control, and not wanting to grow up to be my mother, which is very untrue, but he did say I was coming into a financial windfall. Perhaps what we hear and see is based much more on our faith and hope for what is in store for us.

If anything, Spivey's positive vibes were a nice change for the evening, because on the third deck, trouble was brewing. As the skies opened up to some rain, so did the rage.

Next: Cat fight breaks out on Booty Cruise 2014

I'm unsure what started the fight, but it seems people were on edge for a lot of the evening, and were one drink away from a cat fight.

As the buffet deck emptied out, the stripper deck was just heating up. Thirty-second dances could be bought for $20, and an emcee stripper got the party going as he assigned who got on a stage that was plastered with KDWB signs. It was very much like a bachelorette party, but with even fewer inhibitions since there was no wedding to follow. As I watched 300 women drink, laugh, and dance, I had the epiphany of, "Who am I to judge people trying to enjoy themselves for one evening? Some of these people rarely get the chance to go out. Let's live it up; we're only here for a short while."

What was supposed to be "a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour" of fun, drinking, and male strippers turned out to be an introspective lesson in life and a glimpse into our culture of indulgence.

Random notes:

- Kudos to the lady who tripped on the stairs, spilled her drink, and almost lost her cell phone over the railing.

- One stripper came onstage in an odd granny-baby costume and his dance music was "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit.

- There were a lot fewer women than I expected. The boat was full, but not full to the point of being uncomfortable.

- Anyone at a KDWB-related event will make you question every tattoo you ever got.

- It would have been clever to have penis-themed foods at the buffet. They have meatballs, would it have been that more of a stretch to include cannelloni?

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