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If Minnesota politicians were gangsta rappers

If Minnesota politicians were gangsta rappers


We're stoked for Dre Day this Thursday, and its celebration of all things gangsta. But since we've always got local politics on the brain, our thoughts turned towards a strange mixture of the two topics. So here we answer the question: what if local politicians were gangsta rappers?


Michele Bachmann a.k.a. Bacchanalias Rex

Infamity: Critics complain that Rex's lyrics don't make any goddamned sense, containing a confused mixture of hatred, homophobia, and Revelations-based doomsday imagery written in rhymes a fourth-grader would be ashamed of. Her fans maintain she's just keepin' it real.

Sample lyric: "All you fag-haggin', man-naggin' chumps got me braggin'/'Bout all the cash that my fake farm be rakin'/I'm coo-coo for Christ/Boast more warlust than Reagan/Got blood on my hands and I ain't even raggin'/Health care reform?/Jea, watch these paws draggin'/I'm the craziest Fox, docs/Fuck Jamie and Megan/When my ragtag shows up/For forgiveness you'll be beggin'/My words will be heeded/Despite the satellite feed laggin'/"Now open up wide," I'll say/"I don't want you gaggin'/Brace yourself, bitches, for a primetime tea-baggin'!"

Norm Coleman a.k.a. Litigious C

Infamity: Mid-career he switched from the DFL record label to the rival distributor GOP, which made for bad blood all over town. He's probably most notorious, though, for his six month beef with Al "Dr. Frankenstein" Franken in which he attempted to maintain his top spot in the local rap scene.

Sample lyric: Hip hop, I'm a flip-flopper, with a stone-cold wife/Livin' the California life/Damn, it seems I had it all/But Franken made me take the fall/Thought I ruled it in the 'hood/But M.N. Courts said I'm no good/After months of legal hell/I lost it all to the dude from SNL

 

Dick Day a.k.a. Richie Doomsday
 
Infamity: Doomsday gave up on rhyming suddenly at the height of his career to join the World Poker Tour. His loudest critics believe his stint as a rapper was all a ploy to boost his celebrity as a poker player.
 
Sample lyric: I'm a full-time pusher/With Racino on my brain/ I've got a cure for the budget/ And I'll deal the next game

Tim Pawlenty a.k.a. T-Pizzle

Infamity: Long tours to promote national record sales, causing local hip-hop fans to complain that he's selling out.

Sample lyric: Now it be time for me to make a balanced budget/By cutting money from any program I judge, shit/My spit is something like you ain't seen before/'Cause I'm presidential candidate who thinks that he's a governor

Dick Franson a.k.a. Faxxmastah Dikk

Infamity: Faxxmaster Dikk won a minor rap battle back in the stone age, so now he shows up to every rap battle in town and gets the beat down by even the weakest gangstas. He also annoys local rap critics by hyping his shit exclusively by fax machine.

Sample lyric: Yo yo, I'm a veteran/That means that I am better than/All of my opponents/I own this town/Your weak shit won't slow me down/'Cause I be rollin' with the D.F.L./I'll sound it out like a Speak-N-Spell/Yeah I told you hoes this/I'm old-school like Moses/You get my fact-filled simile?/It shows this:/My mic attack makes me the Cities' sickest M.C.


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