Horrorpalooza: Our dream Halloween music festival

Gwar raising hell in 2008

Gwar raising hell in 2008

Despite the utter ubiquity of music festivals, when the calendar rolls over to Halloween, there's no go-to horrorshow for getting your macabre kicks. In our dreams (well, nightmares), there's a grotesque, sadistic lineup bands that go bump well into All Hallows' night.

Now, there's no concert organizer — not even Live Nation, who are basically the tourist-butchering secret society from Hostel — has dared compile such a nefarious consortium for October 31. So we decided to compile our own roster of spooky musical acts in hopes that someone will will be inspired to make our wickedest wishes come true.

Here's our lineup for the first-ever Horrorpalooza.


Horror movie equivalent: The Evil Dead (the remake, which was gorier)

Official gig poster for HORRORPALOOZA

Official gig poster for HORRORPALOOZA

Scare factor: This Finnish five-piece metal band are basically Deadites come to life in platform boots. Their gangly, mutant flesh and demonic armor are a medieval nightmare. And as if the zombie LARPer attire wasn't enough to curdle your blood, their music sounds like a buzzsaw ripping through a human skeleton.

Ideal encore: "Would You Love a Monsterman," the 2002 epic slaughter anthem that saw them monsterize their way into the unholiest ranks of horror metal.


Horror movie equivalent: Troll 2

Scare factor: Though, in recent years, California's Nekrogoblikon have gone full camp, their goblin-garbed lead singer John Goblikon is still the most disturbing frontman in the music industry. The melodic hardcore outfit doesn't overdo it on the horror milieu — Goblikon is the only costumed member of the band — which is something that makes Nekrogoblikon all the more unsettling. Are these guys just friends with this sandpaper-throated hellspawn? Shudder

Ideal encore: "We Need a Gimmick," which confronts the most terrifying truth of the music industry — sometimes you need to pretend to be a hunchbacked creature in order to make a buck.

The Misfits

Horror movie equivalent: The Return of the Living Dead

Scare factor: Other than the fact that Glenn Danzig might straight up put you in a headlock and break your fuckin' nose, the Misfits are the original gothic punk band. Their signature devilock and pallid, morose demeanor is straight out the pages of pulp horror. With songs like "Dig Up Her Bones," "Astro Zombies," and "Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?," the Misfits really embody the morbidity of Halloween, and they do so with a level of grime that begs for a pogo dance.

Ideal encore: "Halloween," duh.

Marilyn Manson

Horror movie equivalent: Hellraiser

Scare factor: Marilyn Manson is living body horror. The vampiric Dark Emperor is a professed horror movie buff (he even has a hand in the upcoming anthology of terror Phantasmagoria), a fact that makes itself apparent in his stage show, which includes satanic imagery, forced vomiting, and self-mutilation.

Ideal encore: Though Manson has covered "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare before Christmas, a classic like 1997's "Long Hard Road Out of Hell" would probably inspire more sadistic antics.


Horror movie equivalent: Dead Alive

Scare factor: GWAR are a head-exploding sensory overload. The sheer volume of bodily fluids they spray into the crowd put even the goriest horror directors to shame. Even without their eccentric, galactically insane frontman David Brockie (a.k.a. Oderus Urungus, who died in 2014), GWAR are still the standard in over-the-top brutality. You don't want these guys ringing your doorbell on Halloween.

Ideal encore: "Slaughterama," which would hopefully whip the crowd into a frenzy fitting of the name.

Alice Cooper

Horror movie equivalent: A Nightmare on Elm Street (Cooper actually cameoed in Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

Scare factor: Alice Cooper made his name sacrificing chickens and beheading himself on stage. There is no one more fit to headline Horrorpalooza than the Godfather of Shock Rock. Even though Cooper is a corpse-like 67 years old, the theatrical rock star still has the wicked charisma to carry a Halloween show. Every metal band with corpse paint owes their inverted crucifixes to Cooper, who dared to be the most sinister motherfucker on the scene and still remains and icon for it.

Ideal encore: "Feed My Frankenstein." It's cliche, but can you honestly think of a better Halloween song ever written? OK, "The Monster Mash," but that doesn't count.