Gayngs, Robyne Robinson, and Wisconsin's Serial Killer Problem
Nikki & Andrew doing research
In this first installment of Rational Dialectic, Andrew Flanagan and Nikki Miller meet up at GAYNGS HQ - Nick & Eddie - with laptops in tow, to discuss the local phenomenon (and soon to be worldwide sensation) GAYNGS. Andrew and Nikki do not wish to offend local musicians Ciaran Daly, Dessa, any of the Rhymesayers "crew," sax legend Mike Lewis, local music writer Chris Riemenschneider, local anchor Robyne Robinson, or their own editor. Andrew and Nikki do, however, wish to warn the public that Bon Iver may be a serial killer. He is from Wisconsin.
NM: How shall we start?
AF: Well, you're loading up a movie featuring some pervert portraying 36 teenage boys having sexual adventures that supposedly inspired something or another, right?
NM: What we should do is give Ciaran Daly over there a laptop and have him join in. And yes, 36 boys on a sexual adventure. That's why Ciaran should join in.
AF: Zing! He made fun of us for having our computers at a bar just now.
NM: Yes, he did. It mayde me sad.
AF: Double points for topical wordplay!
NM: We're gonna taylk about Gayngs! Riyght?
AF: Right. So it's a weed leaf with a labia?
NM: Hm. I was thinking laybia peace sign, but yeah I think you're riyght. And double points for usage of "labia" rather than "vagina." Because that is a labia, and not a vaginal opening.
AF: I know my p---y.
NM: Yes, Andrew, you do.
AF: P---ay, for the purpose of this conversation.
NM: Speaking of which, is Ciaran still here? Yes, he is. Hey Ciaran. [Ciaran glances in our direction].
AF: Is he in Gayngs? I don't think he was invited...
NM: No Andrew, he's not in Gayngs. But EVERYONE ELSE IS! BOOOOOOOO! Sorry, I meant to say: BOOOOOOOYOOOOOOOOOOOONGS!
AF: I've seen Dessa walking around my neighborhood a lot, and I don't think she smokes the pot. She seems too smart/hardworking to be high all the time.
NM: Wait, is she on the album?
AF: Glad to see you did your research for this.
NM: I made a joke to Chris Riemenschneider once about Dessa's breasts and he didn't think it was funny. Speaking of which, Chris Riemenschneider reported on Facebook that he opened one of their naughty videos while at work, and that he might get fired as a result. Star Tribune, what a buncha prudes! [City Pages Music Editor Andrea] Swensson is no prude but she is a grammar [REDACTED]. ANDREA SWENSSON, [REDACTED]! Just kidding, Andrea. You think we can get Andrea and Ciaran to fight us both at once? I think we'd lose.
NM: What Andrew just said, it's getting edited out. But it was funny. Okay so anyway, a video. We wanna watch a video. Riyght?
AF: Toytally! Wait that one doesn't work.
NM: Okay, which one do you wanna watch firyst?
AF: NC-17, the one with the clarinet. And the two girls getting business done.
NM: Where's Riemenschneider? He should watch this with us. All not thinking my Dessa jokes are funny.
AF: Well, sometimes out of professional courtesy you have to shit on people's jokes.
NM: Riemenschneider can't be bothered with me or my shitty jokes.
AF: But seriously. Your jokes are shitty.
NM: No! They are not. They are clever and occasionally misogynistic.
AF: Well mine are regularly gynophobic, so we're even. Do you think the women in Gayngs get paid less? That shit wouldn't fly in the Runaways.
NM: Hey! Both misogyny and gynophobia look like Gayngs words! And we didn't even have to add Y's! GAYNGS. Which is neither misogynistic nor gynophobic (clearly), but which also has a weird Y.
AF: Fucking [REDACTED].
NM: The CHYCKS.
AF: There's two Maggies. Mayggies. Sorry.
NM: Let us consult that painting in which Nick Ryan is drinking bath water...
AF: I wouldn't drink water from Michael Gaughan's hot tub...Ice Rod!
NM: He's an amazing artist. Hey, when you google image search "GAYNGS PAINTING" you get this:
AF: Holy fucking shit.
NM: And this:
NM: And THIS!
AF: Oh my god, stop it.
NM: And also this:
NM: Which of those things does not belong?
AF: Two black guys and two weird chicks. Hmm...
NM: There were two black guys in those pictures? Oh wait. I didn't even mean to make a Michael Jackson joke.
AF: MJ does look like a generously kind painting of Liza Minelli there.
NM: Okay, here it is. The real picture. I had to search by Gaughan's name:
NM: Okay let's count the ladies. I see four. WAIT. That's Mike Lewis. THREE.
AF: Oh god. I counted four too. Sorry Mike.
NM: Wait, and there's great controversy over whether Ryan [Olson] in the back is holding ladies' heads under the water. That could be two more, for a total of five not counting Mike Lewis. Sorry Mike.
AF: But they're not the talent! Well I suppose they're "talented".
NM: They could be the greatest talent of all.
AF: Being able to "share" like that with constricted airways underwater is certainly a talent.
NM: What are they DOING to him? RYAN WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO YOU!? I'm jealous. Ryan's HOT. Just saying.
AF: Yeah Ryan, seriously?
NM: I want to be imaginary painted onto his lap underwater in a Michael Gaughan painting.
AF: All those people with which to have assumptively interesting conversations and all he can think about is aquatic blowjobs.
NM: I want to blow water bubbles onto his... belly.
AF: Aw, RASPBERRY!
NM: RASPBERRY! RASPYERRY!
AF: ...only on the tummy though.
NM: That's how Ryan likes it. Raspyerries.
AF: Otherwise it starts becoming dick karaoke.
NM: I could... get into that.
AF: He looks like Slug here. Sorry. Everyone calls him Sean now. That rapper guy?
NM: Yeah, Sean. Because, you know, we all "know" him. You know, we all have a friend who dated him or whatever. Or his brother. Or his manager.
NM: Or Ant.
AF: I don't know him.
NM: Wait, do we call Ant by Anthony now? So confused.
AF: Lucy Ford was the soundtrack to my truancy. Not really, more like the soundtrack to me picking up my loose high school girlfriend.
NM: IS BIRD NO LONGER BIRD?!?
NM: J BIRD?!? ARE YOU NO LONGER J BIRD?!?
AF: What the fuck are you talking about?
NM: I dunno. Some Rhymesayers shit. As if I know anything about Rhymesayers. Was I ever that cool?
AF: I was.
NM: MAYBE I MET SLUG ONCE. I mean Sean.
AF: Yeah Sean.
NM: Hey I used to live with a guy in Heiruspecs AND with the guy who recorded all the Rhymesayers stuff! But just the keyboard player.
AF: How much art can you take?
AF: We have a word for keyboard players? We call them "Gary".
AF: "Gary" is the guy who almost got his CPA but was dragged into the music business by a smarmy charming singer/guitarist friend. He has zero creative input, but is super happy to be there. He calls his mom after every show.
NM: Ah. I saw a picture of Gary's penis once on my desktop computer. Then I moved out. Did I just say that? SHHHHHHH.
AF: Jesus, have another drunk. Did I say "drunk"? Cause that's what I meant.
NM: How much would I have to pay you to drink that imaginary painted bath water all those people are sitting in?
AF: Zero fucking dollars. Never going to happen.
NM: YES! Okay, so whose lap would you sit on first in that hot tub thing?
AF: Probably Grant Cutler because I feel most comfortable with kind people. But I would start to scope immediately. I call it "island jumping."
NM: What kind of people? Short? Oh, "kind people." Not his "kind of people." Short.
NM: Ahhhh. Whose lap would Riemenshneider sit on first?
AF: [REDACTED]. Who is that giant Davey Crockett character on the right?
NM: My right? Or stage right?
AF: Maggie's right.
NM: Who's Maggie? I mean, which one?
AF: I don't know.
NM: Oh, she's one of the 3-6 girls.
AF: Sorry Mike. Your saxophone makes me weep.
NM: Is that that Justin Vernon guy?
AF: Oh, the hat, duh. Wisconsin!
NM: BOYN IYVYER? I dunno what he looks like but my friends think he's hot. WISCONSIN! He's a serial killer.
AF: No, that's not him.
NM: BON IVER IS A SERIAL KILLER! People from Wisconsin tend to be serial killers, y'know. INCLUDING BON IVER, WHO IS A SERIAL KILLER! I'll bet he paid Ryan to hold those CHYCK'S heads underwater to KILL THEM, BON IVER STYLE! Is that how you like it, Bon Iver?
AF: Emoting them to death?
NM: Well, that wasn't working, so he had to enlist Ryan's help.
AF: Yeah they just kept rubbing their weed laybia's on him. Ryan's smarm repelled them right into the back of his van...WHERE HE TOOK THEM TO A HOT TUB PARTY.
NM: OOOOOH! Is it a tyme machine?
AF: I know what you're thinking - jesus, by the way - and yes, raspberries galore.
NM: Hey, is that a Marx brother over on stage left? Chico? Was that his name? The weird blonde one. I mean, the blonde ones always look weird, but yeah. Is that a Marx brother?
AF: He looks like the shitty poet from every 80s high school movie. Poets always have curly hair.
NM: I'm pretty sure Robyne Robinson is the one underwater. I mean, not blowing raspberries, but with her legs up in the air. She worked on this right? That makes 4-8 girls. Math correct?
AF: Yes...? I stopped paying attention to you.
NM: She makes pretty jewelry. AND I hear she has her nipples pierced!
AF: Robyn Robinson makes jewelry?
NM: Hell yeah! Uh huh. Go look at her Facebook page (which I do every day).
AF: I'd believe that. And the nipples thing. She had it done one late night at Ground Zero.
NM: ...oh, nipple piercing. Ground Zero. I thought you meant the World Trade Center. And that made no sense, as such.
AF: So what's Gayngs?
NM: Dunno, but once I was talking about meth on Jahna Peloquin's Facebook page, and Robyn was NOT having it. Because, you know, she knows people affected by meth.
NM: GAYNGS! They like weed and laybias! THE END.
AF: I don't get it. Sorry Dessa!
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